This is part 3, the final part of the story. I usually start and finish multi-part Foy stories in a few days. This third part was the hardest writing I've ever experienced with Foy. I ended up with 4 versions of it before I felt satisfied.
 
Anyway, it has been so long that you might need to go back and read parts one and two.
 
Part One - April 2nd
Part Two - April 15th
 
Read more about the Foy Davis Stories.
 

---

I know that voice. It is the terrible voice of truth from deep within you. This voice has no filters. None. This is the voice you hear in dreams. And sometimes, when something very intense is happening, it can sound as real as an actual voice. I loved a young man in college, years and years ago. Loved him desperately, but he chose another. In those days of intense grief I kept imagining that he would come to his senses and realize that I was his true love. Because of course, I was certain that I was. One day I heard him call my name. I felt a huge rush of emotion and I turned around. But no one was there.

My voice or whatever it is sounds pretty angry.

Well, you seem conflicted inside. On the one hand this inner voice urges you to say something out loud that reveals a part of you that you are ashamed of. You became filled with a desire to say, “Fuck everyone in the world but me.” On the other hand, when I ask you to tell me who you are and what you want, when I ask you to bring that inner voice out into the light, the voice suddenly wants to hide and says, “No!” Sometimes you want this voice to shout out loud, and other times you want to keep it a dark secret.

That doesn’t sound very good. That conflicted, being conflicted like that. It doesn’t seem like how you should be.

I don’t think it’s a matter of good or bad. You can’t control these deep desires. What was it you said earlier? It is what it is. What you do with that reality - how you live - that’s where good and bad come in. But I do think everyone needs some setting in which they can safely confess the truth about what is inside them. I’ve always thought that was the genius of Catholic Confession. Because if you deny the voices within you, they can become angry. I think that’s what’s happening to you. And I think that’s a danger all ministers face. Ministers seem especially tempted to deny unpleasant truths about themselves.

Well, I’m not a minister anymore, so…

I know you’re not. But you’re still not honest with yourself. I think you’ve shed the robe but hung onto the pathology.

What do you mean?

Well, you keep that inner voice locked up pretty tightly, don’t you? No wonder it’s angry; it never sees the light of day. I’m not one who thinks we ought to run around “being ourselves” all the time. But it is good to be honest about who you are in some context, with some people, somehow, somewhere. And I don’t think you ARE honest with yourself. Foy, you’re like the world’s nicest con artist. You’re kind and charming and good natured - really you are - but you do run a bit of a con with others and, I suppose, with yourself.

I don’t…okay I’m here for this process so I’m listening. But damn. A con artist? I don’t ever want to hurt anyone. And I try to be honest all the time, I think.

I have no doubts about your sincerity. You’re a very nice person. I’m sure you only mean well. But I think you have this intense need to make others feel better. I think that’s the way you operated when you were a minister. For the record, I don’t think making people feel good is the highest calling of a minister, but anyway that seems to be something you’ve retained from those days. You feign intimacy because you sense it is what people need. You remind me of a boxer. You move in fast and get close, then you dance away just as quickly. You’re a good listener, you’re kind, you have a good sense of humor, and you’re a great conversationalist. You get intimate with needy people very quickly. Your specialty is self-revelation, I think. You’re honest and transparent about a lot of things, which lets you keep other things safe and hidden. You put on your charming personality, which is your new robe and collar, then you go about doing your job, which is making people feel better. There is a flurry of relationship activity - the person feels very close to you - then you disappear and sit in the shadows at home because some part of you feels the falseness of it. The intimacy was too carefully crafted. There was no danger in it. Real vulnerability and intimacy are dangerous things.

And now, when a chance for real intimacy arises with Suzanne, you slip so naturally into your minister persona. You truly do love to see people happy. And you’re quite willing to be what they want you to be, aren’t you? How unfortunate for Suzanne though, because she thinks you love her. Why? Because you acted like a man in love.

Wait wait wait. Wait a minute. I don’t believe this. What did I ever say to Suzanne? What promises have I made and broken? Why is this so hard for me? I mean seriously, this, this, THIS feels like being back in the ministry. Okay? Where people are pulling you aside and suddenly you’ve screwed up and let everyone down. You weren’t there at the hospital or you didn’t call someone after something happened or someone’s unhappy about this or that. You’re too liberal or why didn’t we have a baby dedication for them or they’re not coming back to church because you did something or DIDN’T do something. So no matter how much you try to care about everyone, there is always someone who feels left out or let down.

Oh and this is big shit too. Because this is Jesus stuff and God stuff and sin and redemption and are you going to heaven and all that. So when you let people down, it’s like Jesus let them down. And they’re looking at you with this tragic face, just shaking their heads and saying, “Oh my God, Mary’s never going to come back because you weren’t there for her.” And it doesn’t even have to be you. You get so where some kid hits another kid and a family leaves the church, and you think if you were a better pastor they would have been better parents and it wouldn’t of happened, so somehow it feels like your fault. It’s insanity. You know it’s insane but it still gets you. Bad.

So here we are again. I go out with a nice woman. I try to figure out if maybe I can love someone again. And I’m hauled in front of an inquisition. Everyone else is just running around doing whatever the hell they want. Lying, screwing people over, making mistakes - big ones like affairs and shit - but they’re fine though. They’re just people going around and doing whatever, their thing. No one expects that much from them. But my little “Hello, how do you do? I’m Foy? Nice to meet you. Ha ha, you eat Fruit Loops and have a great smile. How about we have dinner” suddenly becomes this evil, dishonest, you know, THING that’s suddenly this whole pathology of inauthentic behaviors and denial and suppression of internal voices and shit.

——-

——-

Well, Foy Davis, It’s nice to see you again. It’s been a long time.

Wow. Yeah, I just said some stuff, didn’t I? You know, some parts of that I might not have meant. That wasn’t fair to you, the parts about….

——-

——-

Yeah, you’re right. That’s stupid. I said it so I should just shut up now. Is what I should do.

——-

We’ve known each other a long time, Foy. Since way back in seminary.

And now look at us. I’ve left the ministry and you’ve left…I guess all of it. Are you really an atheist now?

Atheist? I don’t even know what that word means anymore. And I’m too tired to try and figure it out. But what I was going to say is that our process is…unusual. I was surprised you came to me, considering I don’t do this anymore. I wouldn’t even want to call it spiritual direction, because…

I would. That’s exactly what I’d call it.

Well, in any case, I’m more direct with you. Because we have this history. And I trust your basic ego strength. So I’m going to take some chances, follow some hunches, throw some stuff out there. I’ll be wrong sometimes. You just make your claims when you need to. Just tell me I’m wrong and I’ll trust you and we’ll think about it in another way.

So, does what I’ve said seem wrong to you?

No. It’s the rightest thing I’ve heard in a long time. It’s right on the money. I feel the rightness of it. I have no idea what to do about it, but yeah, it feels right. What you said, all of it, really.

——-

So why is this so hard for me? Why does everyone else just run around dropping in and out of relationships like it’s no big thing. But for me there’s all this complexity?

Because you’re wounded and you don’t know it. You bear the great and tragic wound of the shaman.

The shaman?

Yes. Priest, prophet, shaman. I now see them as pretty much the same thing. The shaman stands between the forces of nature and the people. The shaman carries the spiritual stories of their tradition and brings healing. He shows up in his robes or collar or mask, you know, with feathers and all. He gets close and there is a lot of noise and movement - shaking rattles, or swinging smoking pots of incense, or putting his hand on your forehead to heal you, or feeding you with communion wafers like you were a baby bird. There you are, neck stretched, mouth open, wanting…needing. The shaman is there when you are born, and he shepherds your body into the afterlife when you die. You don’t get much more intimate than life and death and sin and salvation.

So what is the shaman’s wound?

The wound comes with the calling. The shaman is set apart. He's a holy man. And holy is really just another word for lonely. That is the shaman’s wound.

The shaman always stands alone.

rlp

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