Part 2 of 3
Read part one

From part one:

“Well, I think I know the difference between my own relationships - the people I love, and my job - my CALLING. Which is, yes, to love people and care for them. But I know the difference.”

“Do you? Because that’s what it’s like out there. Out there in the world is where you find out if you know the difference.”

Part Two

“Okay, so you’ve been out there awhile. Do you know the difference?”

“I don’t know. And I’ve been having a hard time with a situation that’s exactly about this stuff.

“Yeah? What’s going on?”

“Well, you remember I told you about Suzanne, right? So we went out a few times. And it seemed really really great. Really the first time since Jenny that I felt anything like that.”

“Hey, that’s good, right?”

“Well, yeah, but the whole thing started with me kind of doing this listening thing with her. Her son Jeremy died. Did I tell you that?”

“No you didn’t. Wow.”

“That was awhile back. I’m just saying that we got started with me sort of listening to her because she was grieving pretty hard about her son. And then we went out a few times, and I was feeling like something was happening between us - maybe - and then boom, it was gone. And it happened in this one moment. She was making something in the kitchen, like an omelet or toast or something, and I was looking at her and suddenly she’s like someone in the church I’m supposed to be taking care of or watching out for. And I started wondering do I really like this woman? Am I falling for her, or am I just taking care of her and enjoying the feeling of making someone feel better? I used to talk myself into feeling things for people all the time, you know? At this point - right now - I couldn’t tell you what I feel about her or what any of it is I’m feeling."

Foy stuck his chin out and rubbed his hand along his cheek, feeling the stubble. It made a scratchy sound.

“It’s going to be awkward as hell too, when I go back to work. I kind of took some vacation time. Just a few days off to try and figure things out. People at the office sort of know we’ve gone out a few times. This one woman, Charlotte, Suzanne’s friend, she certainly knows about it. She said it was a dangerous situation. What she actually said was that I was dangerous, meaning that I might hurt Suzanne. And I’m scared to death that I might have or might. It’s like that feeling when someone who is very innocent in their faith maybe, for example, though you might not even respect them theologically, still the way it feels if they leave the church because of something you said or because they read something you wrote. And I spent years learning to be okay with that, but even after all that, down inside, there is this horror of it. Of being the cause of it.”

Larry held up both hands, palms facing Foy. “Okay, okay. Just just just, hang on. You know, I really think you’re over-thinking this. You should probably just relax and try to stop thinking so much about it. Just let it happen or not happen. It will either work out or it won’t. And that’s it. That’s all there is. You’re not dangerous. That’s just life, man. Relationships sometimes work and sometimes don’t. They mostly don’t, if you think about it, considering that we have so many of them and only a few turn into something.”

“You’re right. I know. That sounds right. But somehow it seems more complicated in the middle of it. I even went to see Shawn Lacey about it, to talk to her because it seems more than just being as easy as when you describe it.”

“Shawn Lacey? Wow, how is she? I haven’t heard anything about her since she left the seminary.”

Foy nodded solemnly. “Best professor we had. Period. At least I think so.”

“Everyone loved her. She’s an amazing woman.”

“I asked her to do some spiritual direction with me. Kind of about this but - you know how spiritual direction goes - it’s kind of about everything, really.”

——-

——-

“Spiritual direction? That’s going to be a little bit…impossible isn’t it? She’s not a Christian anymore. Not even a theist, is she? I read her book. I know why they fired her. Hey, I liked her as much as anyone, but…you know….c’mon.”

“I don’t care if you call it spiritual direction or anything. I wanted that way of talking with someone. And I wanted to talk to Shawn.”

“Okay, that’s cool. What did she tell you? Or what did the two of you discover, or whatever?”

“Shawn thinks somehow I’m not able to put aside the way I used to be with people when I was a priest, which as you know can be very intimate. And I admit I do have a way of putting on this intimate, very personable kind of personality when I need to or when it seems like that’s what someone needs. Apparently I listen real intensely - you know how that is - and that can be a kind of signal for a woman. Shawn said so anyway, and I guess she would know, her being one. So she said I could sort of be like a bull in a china closet or china store. Just sort of charging around in there being very intimate and not realizing that someone could get hurt.”

“You know, I still don’t get why this is so complicated. Okay, so you’re a nice guy who listens and gets close to people quickly. Since when is that a bad thing? You’ve been out with Suzanne a few times. You’re trying to be nice. You’re both trying to figure out how you feel. Why is this complicated? Why make such a big deal about it?

“No, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. This is really stupid. Suddenly it seems incredibly self-absorbed and ridiculously over-thought. I really don’t know why I make things so hard. I just…”

“It’s not stupid. I’m just saying relax. Slow down a bit. What else did she say?”

“Well, there’s another issue - and I think she’s right about this - that I have a hard time figuring out exactly who I’m supposed to be. I keep trying to be this priest person. I can’t help myself sort of. But there is this inner voice, I guess my shadow self or just my real self. And that voice can get pretty angry if you don’t listen to it. I’ve almost heard that voice a few times. Just almost like I could hear it. Angry sounding - Shawn says because I’m not listening to it, and I think she’s right about that.”

“Jesus Christ! Give me a break. She’s dumping all that Jung shit on you.”

“Well, she didn’t exactly SAY Jung, but yeah, clearly it’s...”

“Hey, I like Jung’s ideas as much as anyone. Don’t get me wrong. The Collective Unconscious, embracing your Shadow Side, Individuation or whatever they call it. Fine. But you can’t let yourself go overboard with that stuff. It takes as much faith to accept Jung’s worldview as the Christian worldview. Of course, I’m not saying the two can’t coexist to a certain extent, providing you can find some kind of balance I guess.”

“Well, sometimes Jung makes more sense to me than Christianity. At least the Christianity we were taught, which I’m not convinced is what it’s supposed to be anyway.”

Larry inhaled deeply, then filled his cheeks and exhaled loudly.

“What else did she say?”

“She talked about the shaman’s wound, which I think we all have, all of us who do this or even used to do it.”

“The shaman’s wound? Please! And what else do you have? The hero’s burden, maybe? The trickster’s mean streak? And any other archetype she can pull out of her ass.”

Foy stood up suddenly. “Look, if you don’t want to talk about this, that’s fine. But don’t act like this is ridiculous, cause it’s not.”

“No. Hey, I’m sorry, okay? That was…I didn’t mean it. I went way overboard. I’ve just been down that road and I hate to see her - or anyone - lay some kind of burden on you, like you’re hopeless or broken because, God forbid, you were a priest and cared about people. So go ahead; what is the shaman’s wound or whatever.”

“Well - and I think she’s on the right track with this - when you take on the priestly role - in whatever context, shaman, whatever - it does something to you. That role is so fundamental to the community that you get depersonalized or something. And you start not being able to tell the difference between the role and yourself. Don’t tell me you haven’t felt that.”

“Okay, sure. But just think about this with me, okay? Isn’t it possible that Shawn is dragging her own story into this a little bit? The Church has laid some big role on you - the priest - and now you’re kind of broken and can’t get past that and live a ‘normal’ life. Doesn’t that sound familiar? Like what happened to her? She’s a brilliant woman. Very smart and very insightful. But I think she can’t see the truth here because she doesn’t believe in God anymore, or in being called, or in the sacred nature of what we do and who we are. They beat her up pretty good at the seminary before she left. And I hated that too, as much as anyone. But I think she has a pretty big axe to grind.”

“What truth is it that she can’t see?”

“That you’re having a hard time relating to people out there because, hello, you’re a PRIEST. You can’t step out of that role because you’re not supposed to. You may have left the Church, but that doesn’t mean that God has released you from your calling. Remember Jonah? He didn’t want to be a prophet and ran to the ends of the earth to escape his calling. Things weren’t working out so well for him, not because he was suffering from some shaman’s wound, but because he wouldn’t embrace the reality of who he was called to be. It’s great that you’re talking to Shawn, but don’t forget that she’s blind to one very real possibility here. Shawn thinks that leaving the Church is some kind of growth step for you, shedding the guilt and becoming individuated or self-actualized or something. She can’t see that there is another possibility. That you should come back.”

“Come back?”

“Yes. Come back to the Church, Foy. You’re a priest. It’s who you are. It’s the way God made you. And you’re not going to be happy and whole until you accept that again. You’re on a boat to Tarshish, and there’s a storm brewing. I know it’s tempting to think you just need to lighten the load - throw some religious baggage overboard - but what you really need to do is stop running away and accept that you’re a priest of the Church of Jesus Christ......And there is nothing wrong with that or any reason to be ashamed of it.”

rlp

part three coming soon...
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Where the heck is Tarshish and who would take a boat there?