I find all this very interesting. Does your dad still preach? Did you follow him in a similar pastoral path, or was your different?

Fantasies tell us a lot about what we really want. I remember, in the early years of my marriage, fantasizing about being a widow . . . Then I read Gail Godwin's book, A Mother and Two Daughters, and one of the lead characters says something like, "When I began fantasizing about being widowed, then I knew it was time to get a divorce." Yeah, no kidding. I am divorced now, too. Anyway, it took you awhile, but eventually you acted on your fantasy to leave your church. So . . . now what? Start listening to your fantasies again, I guess. See what they tell you. Also, when you say you fantasized about leaving the church, did you mean just Covenant, or the Church (with a capital C)? Do you still see yourself as a minister, just a free-lance one instead of a full-time call? Things you'll have to figure out, I guess. Just because you're not bound to a particular congregation doesn't mean you aren't still a "Real Live Preacher." At least, I hope not!

Some of this is new. Some of it is familiar territory. In any case, when you're ready, please continue.

The connection between busting to write now, and very recently feeling too empty to write? Did your decision to resign open flood gates in a dam? Or maybe the emptiness was just a product of being worn out from finishing the book, and resigning will provide more time for writing?
We are all pulling for you; and by the way, I am very much enjoying the book.
Elmer

Hey Gordon,
Be careful what you ask from God. And be ready for any answer. This is appropriate for this situation. Not knowing why God does what he does is part of the mystery. I think there is still a kernel of faith we hold onto even in the darkest of times. And it isn't dark, but maybe hazy.

Maybe you should go back to the Quakers and sit this in silence and see what the spirit brings up. That thought crossed my mind during my prayers last night.

Ministry is part of you no matter where you minister from. Whether that be at Jethro, High Calling or here on the blog. You will remain Real Live Preacher. I would still follow your faith and not completely walk away from church.

This is just another case of personal evolution, that is difficult when we don't know what God has in store - waiting for the answers might take some time, so pay attention to the little things on the way...

Jeremy

Maybe you are still called. Just being called now to a different kind of ministry.

Because it seems to me that organized church is dying away.

Maybe you're called to create a new thing. And it will come through what you write.

maybe.

Presbyterian Gal/LJ

If there was an organization called Preachaholic's Anonymous would they have a twelve step program? Would the support group meet on the internet? Would they still call on a higher power? Would they drink lots of diet soda?

You asked for 50 sponsors. You got 500, and we are all ready to come when you call.

Hi! My name is Alan and I'm a preachaholic. I don't plan to quit until later this year, and even then I will probably relapse when someone calls and asks me to fill in.

I wonder if you're being "called" away from the formal ministry. What strikes me about this essay is that you are struggling now with this decision you recently made to leave Covenant--a decision you made, evidently, because you felt you should--but you did not struggle when you first received "the call," back at age 17. You're having your Jonah moment, if that is the correct analogy, now--not back then, where you began.

closet pentecostalist

--closet pentecostalist

We are entering the historic season of Lent in the holy Orthodox church, dear RLP. Last year my husband and I experienced our first lenten season and Orthodox Pascha celebration. It was so different, so ancient, so refreshing, so invigorating .... and so humbling. Perhaps spend time this year going to these services? This Sunday is the second Sunday of preparation, of four, and the 40-day Lent starts on Monday, Feb. 15 leading up to Pascha on April 4. Perhaps you will find rest in the ancient practices of the holy fathers; this has been our experience. Know you are welcome any time.

A wonderful blog post you might enjoy is Mystical Theology (Jan. 28, 2010) at FatherStephen (dot) wordpress (dot) com.

Please forgive if this suggestion/idea is not appropriate; you have been in my thoughts since last summer when you wrote of your sabbatical experiences. My husband and I have been in a "What? Why? How?" time these last 10 months and it can be wearying. Our prayers will be with you and your family.

Juliana~

I've been a Methodist minister for about 30 years. My experience of the call was very clear, and it was tested and validated by the Church, and of course 'proven' by the fact I've survived 30 years of ministry (and they've survived me?). Like you, I love what I do, and don't want to do anything else.

However, a few years ago, I found myself fantasising about 'being without appointment' - living in our own home, offering my services freelance to whoever needed me, but not actually being in pastoral charge of any churches. It felt lovely - but then I realised what I'd lose, in terms of the position it gives me in a community, and the work that I can do because of that position. Even things like being asked to do funerals, and thus meet and work with families I've never met - and I realised I didn't want to let that go. It's part of who I am.

There is something about "the grass on the other side of the hill". I still have 9 years or so before retiring - which is when I will do pretty much what I fantasised about, and I will call the shots about how much work I do; retirement is when I have freedom to do what I feel called to do, not what other folk think I should be called to do! In the meantime, I am happy to keep on walking the road - but not so comfortable as to be complacent?

Keep on walking, pal - doors and gates will open as you go.

Blessings,
Tony

This Peterson book is one of the best discussions that I have read about the realities of being a minsiter and the constant questions one often faces in light of the realities of the day to day job doing what we do - I like the way he is painfully honest about the job - it helped me to relax a bit and not to take myself so very seriously. We all wish the best to you as you start into this new calling - thanks for taking us along for the ride.

I'll be following your story with interest. I'm a British Methodist pastor, born in the US, who came back to the US to look after my elderly parents and I find myself without the ministry I assumed I'd have. Yes, we are all ministers but I was good at being a "parish" pastor and I liked it. So I'm trying to find an out-of-the-box ministry too, albeit not voluntarily. Many blessings to you as you discern your new calling.

I am honored that you choose to share this process with us. Thanks.

-
When you asked your father if getting called by God was something like, “I WANT YOU TO BE A PREACHER-MAN?”, I can only imagine that yours was slightly different. More like:

"I want you to be a preacher, man! Like, for now, mmm'kay? Dunno that it'll last your whole life or whatever, but things'll be solid for the most part. And then, you know, when you get sorta passionate about something else? Something that the ministry might interfere with? Yeah, well, you know... you just GO, man. You just GO and do whatever you feel called to do. I'm cool with that. Peace out, Bro."

That expression was given to me by a good, traditional Christian woman before it happened to me. I didn't believe her at the time. Later, I learned she was a prophet. Sometimes God calls us out.

I'm sorry you're not at Covenant Baptist anymore. I loved it through you.

As a Called Out person myself, all I can tell you is that the Adventure will continue.

Have you read "Leaving Church" by Barbara Brown Taylor? She's an Episcopal priest here in Ga. (also has written for the Christian Century) who left the small c church but not the big C.
If you haven't read it, you might want to check it out. No two people's stories are exact mirrors but it could be helpful as you are discerning what was and what will come. ... Prayers for you, RLP.
Allison in Georgia

In the midst of a very tumultuous career change, I once attended the swearing in of a Supreme Court justice and found her remarks encouraging. She said that a true life changing opportunity will only knock at your door once or twice in your lifetime. It's not that we don't recognize those opportunities, but most of us lack the courage to give up what is familiar, safe, and stable for the unknown. She encouraged everyone to have the courage to heed life changing calls. Essentially - when opportunity knocks, answer.

You're at that scary, earth-trembling place right now, but it will be ok. It always is.

Sara

... takes courage. i have watched friends and family travel similar roads, and know it can be lonely. those of us who grew up in the "safe", insular confines of the institutional church have our call to ministry in the institutional church celebrated and affirmed. people gather around and support in ways large and small (i remember the money tree my family received when my father left for seminary, or the excitement of an ordination service for many of my friends). but when we leave the institution for something else? there are no real supports there... no bidding rituals... no way of affirming that for what it very much is -- a call, just as much from God as the other major moves in our life (ordination, parenthood, marriage). it's like divorce in a way. YOU may know that you are moving in a much needed direction, God definitely knows it, but our society has not created a way of celebrating the new in the midst of change and pain.

so i offer you this: take all these comments on your beautiful and vulnerable blog posts as us gathering to celebrate this time of change and transition in your life. let your writing be the ritual that marks this move as significant, and our comments as the reception after the ritual. we will mark it as holy, and then dance and cry with you...

wendy

just joined the group of 50 or 500 very recently, and bought a couple of the books. I must offer my thanks for your sharing freely of yourself - something very hard for me. My own journey seems to be taking me away from a profession of 32 years and into the unknown, and it is not my idea to do so. But people and events have been plopped into my life lately that have made my journey more Christ-centered than my church ever does. Your sharing has helped with that, and I never heard of your church until I read about it in conjunction with your blog. Church is wonderful and needed and a real blessing, and you will find your way to whatever "church" means to you. I am currently iced in, so this is my church for this weekend, and it is good.

no doubt - no fear - no What have I done? You are loved and appreciated - how can we be more family than that, how can we be more church than that -

peace out

debbie

I love that your journey is here for us to see. SO many of us are "angsty" where we're at, waiting to see what's around the corner. I've loved your pen for years now, and I'm so glad that you're still here, with a frustrated, tired look like so many of us have on our faces as well. Thanks.

~one of the fifty

Perhaps your sabbatical has a lot to do with this? Perhaps God is calling you away from "easy going" Christianity, and on to something Greater than all of us? May I suggest this: Find a Catholic church in your area that offers Adoration ... walk in, and adore the Lord present in the Blessed Sacrament of the Altar ... Let Him speak to you. What you hear may surprise you.

It really, really frightens me that you say nothing about considering the potential influence of your illness on this momentous decision (the concrete contemplation of which began within months, or less, of your stopping medication).

If I sat closer to the front of the group I might know that that's a possibility you and the appropriate people discussed and found to be not largely relevant. But "quitting one's job" and "discarding things that have been extremely valued" and "being in a total brain fog, unable to remember what one has recently done" can be symptoms of some very, very serious depression and suicidal ideation, so I feel the need to say this just in case the possibility hasn't been considered.

I'm sorry if this hurts you. I wish you all the best.

I so wanted to drive down to Covenant this morning, but wanted you to have that time with your Covenant family. I never made the opportunity to hear you preach and will regret that. (It's only a few hours from Waxahachie.)

I think of myself as one of the 50, having followed your blog for several years. I attended Truett for a year and a half and (fortunately?) was never called to a church. I'm now teaching school; THAT is my calling.

Your family has been in my prayers for a long time, extending at least as far back as the insurance debacle. I'm not convinced that prayer works, but I refuse to take chances by NOT praying.

Maybe it's time to let the field go fallow for a little while. Sometimes, it's right to just take the time to get refilled, to look at the world in new ways. Sometimes, new ministries will present themselves. I don't know about you, but my most authentic moments as a minister (and I am not an ordained minister) come when people just open up about whatever's on their minds. That will probably happen when you take the time off, and new ideas and opportunities will certainly present themselves.

I like the idea in a lot of these responses, to go to different kinds of churches and see what feelings and thoughts you get at each one. Go on your search, and enjoy it. God will be with you, wherever you go.

or #53, or #60, or whatever. I haven't been a reader of this blog as you stepped into this transition, but I embrace your trembling adventure as you make this change.

I left my job in 2007, not knowing what would come next. I have been through the most tumultuous years of my life since then, not directly related to that decision to leave my job of 20 plus years, with no obvious means of support in the gap. But I wouldn't trade the results in order to have taken a different journey!

And I can assure you of this: God has been faithful. He has taught me more about friendship and love than I ever thought I wanted to know. And He is with me.

As He is with you. You don't have to understand what is happening. He knows your weakness. He knows your uncertainty. And He is with you. There is more, and He will lead you. May you be touched with the riches of His love, abundantly over and above anything that you can imagine - for you are precious in His sight!

Kelly

...and cried as I said goodbye to the last church I ever worked in.

But it was one of the happiest days of my life.

I love you too.

Sparks (signed in but still showing as "anonymous" in the preview

RLP, I really admire your transparency and willingness to process this in community...virtual or otherwise. I can see from others' comments that you are not alone in making a decision to leave ministry, and I'd like to add my voice to that chorus of encouragement.
My husband was a pastor of a small, cool church maybe something like Covenant, that accepted him/us as we were. Then he decided to leave pastoral ministry. He says now that he felt like an ordinary guy that was called to be a pastor for a time, but that contrary to popular interpretation, he didn't believe "the call" was for a lifetime. At least not in his case.
Well, that was in early 2006. Since then, he's been trying to make a career transition to...something else. He just started blogging about it at www.davelooksforwork.wordpress.com. He too feels a desire to write. I guess the encouragement I'd offer is: life outside pastoral ministry is different, but still good. There are parts of it I still miss. There are parts I don't miss at all (like getting to church early to set up every week). And there is part of it that continues, simply because relationships stay entwined after doing life together for so long.
May you and your family experience God's provision and peace both during this transition and in the years ahead.
Sallie

The title for my comment was supposed to be "Been there," but somehow the blog automatically added the word "new" at the end. Weird.

Just found out about all this after being "away" for a while.

I've been in similar situations a couple of times. I've always found Merton's prayer from "Thoughts in Solitude" comforting.

Blessings for your journey!!

notarev