Submitted by rlp on Mon, 08/18/2008 - 19:43.
It’s hard to know what to do when you have friends whose children are sick or hurt or dying. You want to do something, of course, but what should you do?
I’ll tell you. Do what they want and need you to do. You have to find out what that is. When you know, just do it. Some very close friends will have intimate things to do. They will help in intimate ways. Other friends will listen and watch and be a listening ear when needed. You can pay attention. You can remember that it’s all about them. It’s not about who loves them more or who is a closer friend. Just quietly find out what you should do and then do it. And if it seems right to back off, do that. Just back off and wait. I can’t tell you how to find out what you should do. But if you are gentle and cautious and more quiet than loud, and if you’re trying hard to find out what you should do, you’re probably okay.
I currently have two friends in this situation.
Rohan is a man who did a lot of the work on this blog. He works with Tim at Jethro in Australia. He has a daughter who was born without eyes. Her name is Caitlyn. I am in no way a close friend of the family. But I know the work Rohan has done, so I feel that I know him in some small way. I know about Caitlyn. I’ve prayed for Caitlyn. The family has a website for her, and it seems to be a really nice thing for them when people visit and drop them a note to let them know. Rohan has recently written about their first year with Caitlyn.
Maybe it helps them feel less alone when people drop by to read. And when you have a child who is sick or hurting or facing some kind of challenge, you can feel very alone sometimes.
If you are a praying person, you can read about Caitlyn and pray. If not, you can read about her and think and nod. You can send a quick note of encouragement. Those are small things but also good things.
I think I will write Caitlyn’s name into our church prayer book, the one I look at every Sunday when we pray for people. She can join Zane, who is a young man that we pray for because his father asked us to, even though we’ve never met him.
So I'm putting Caitlyn in the book with Zane. That’s a small thing for me to do. Don't be ashamed of doing small things. I think most of the really great things that happen are small things.
I’m also sad to tell you that Thomas Bickle has died. Thomas is the son of two dear friends. (I don't think any of us are ready to say "was" yet.) I am not one of their very closest friends, but I’ve always considered Sarah and Scott to be kind of secret, special friends. The kind you don't see much because life didn't put you close to each other geographically, but when you do see them it's great. Especially Sarah, whom I’ve loved as if she was a little sister for years now, ever since she was in 8th grade and I met her at a Bible study. Sarah wrote a guest blog here about her last days with Thomas.
For Sarah, I watched the phone in case she called needing to talk. That was my small thing. And going to the funeral with David Gentiles was something I was supposed to do. I felt that inside. David had to speak at the funeral. I only had to sit and watch and listen and allow myself to be sad with them.
When you have friends with sick and hurting children, you don’t have to be a hero. You just have to find the small things you should do, and do them.
Be small.
Be present.
Be watching.
Be listening.
Be quiet.
Be gentle.
Remember those things and you’ll be fine.
rlp
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Yes, yes, yes. I have lost
Yes, yes, yes. I have lost three babies to miscarriage and I think your advice applies to my situation as well. The people who helped me through these times were the people who did what you did, found out what they could do, even if it was small, even if it was just to say they were sorry or to sit with me while I cried, even if it was just to bring us dinner or to send us flowers. We didn't need people to try to give us reasons for what happened (in fact that hurt more than anything) or offer something great or huge, and we certainly didn't need anyone to take our pain and make it about them somehow. I don't know how people do that, but they do. It is too painful for them to hear of our losses, so we better just keep them to ourselves and pretend it didn't happen. Better to not tell anyone the next time we are pregnant because we might cause THEM too much pain if we lose another baby. We just lost a baby and somehow their pain is greater and more important than our own...
Thank you. People need to hear this kind of advice. I need to know there are people out there who respond in this way when someone they know faces a tragedy or a hardship. Knowing you are out there loving people in this way gives me hope.
Wise and needed words.
So often when we try to help we come with our agenda, our timetable. Just being present and sensitive can help us discover how to fit our love and support into their needs, their agenda. Thanks for sharing about this. You likely spared some folks some awkward moments and needless hurt.
Sitting Shiva
Gordon,
You reminded me of the Jewish practice of sitting shiva with this article. This has been one of the hardest practices for me as a pastor - I'm a "fixer" and ministry of being small and present as you wrote just isn't my natural way of doing things. Sometimes I think we do our best ministry when we resist our predispositions to attempt fixing or healing - that's not our job (even when every bone in my body is screaming for me to DO SOMETHING). Thanks for this reminder.
DEATH
dealing with death, loss and the pain that it encompasses is always hard. your advice is wise. having dealt with this issue a number of times in the past, i feel the best response is always to take a breath. the first impulse is to lash out somehow which isn't always the wisest. i have wasted a couple of funeral speeches learning that lesson. god bless you.
Dang it, I'm sorry to hear
Dang it, I'm sorry to hear about Thomas. I knew it was coming, but still...Heartbreaking!! My prayers and condolences to his family and friends. :(
Well done. My heart goes
Well done. My heart goes out to the families of all hurting children. Hurt, pain and death are difficult. It feels doubly so when hurt, pain, suffering and death comes to a child.
I wish everyone could have the opportunity to read your recomendations on showing care and love. Although I have not lost a child and do not know those feelings, my lovely daughter has had 2 open heart surgeries and will need at least 1 more, so I know the "helpful" things people say and do. They mean well, but do not always think through their words or actions.
My prayers go out to Caitlyn and her family, and to Thomas and his family.
grief
thank you for this entry.
Be small.
Be present.
Be watching.
Be listening.
Be quiet.
Be gentle.
you are right that these are often the most important things we can do.
peace...
Be
BE ...
not do. I think that's a great way to start.
be available
be watchful
and make it not about YOU at all.
thank you for your small things. They make a difference.
Open to Possibility
This was a wonderfully moving post, as are the comments. My heart goes out to those whom you have lifted up. Having just spent the summer in CPE at a trauma center I can affirm that your thoughts extend beyond to all who are mourning and grieving losses. Being present and available, truly open to being for another person in compassion, for however long or brief, as the Spirit may lead involves leaving behind all of our preconceived notions and devices and entering with our hands and hearts open to possibility. Some of the times I have been thanked most deeply have been when from a "fixer's" point of view it might seem I didn't really do anything.
Be small.
Be present.
Be watching.
Be listening.
Be quiet.
Be gentle.
May God's peace be with you
Being Present As Others Pass
It's strange how every time I look at this page, you seem to be touching on something close to my mind or heart. As a person without a particular faith, I have little to cling to when it comes to the thought of death. For a long time that made me angry and scared, and so I shied away from any situation involving death. I still dislike funerals, but I've very recently changed my mind and decided I will go if I "have to" (explained a bit better below). I do believe in something. I believe in dignity and relieving suffering, for both the dying and their loved ones.
I dislike funerals because I think they focus people on the death, not the life that they were all touched by. I will go to a funeral so that I can, like you said, be there for the people who remain, who suffer, who question and struggle. I don't have any answers at all, but I must have grown up with big shoulders for a reason.
Now I find myself intentionally reaching into those situations where there may be loss. I have applied for a position working in an emergency veterinary clinic at night so I can study nursing during the day. I have a stethoscope instead of a rosary and a textbook instead of a bible, but in the end, I hope I can do my part. Sorry if that is kind of an awkward comparison, but it's what came to mind.
the balance
As a fixer... I sure have blown it a number of times and in a number of ways, but with each experience it seems I am led closer and closer to the: Be small. Be present. Be watching. Be listening. Be quiet. Be gentle.
I do find it a tough balance between the be present, and backing off thing, and have managed to screw that up both ways. Each situation is so different, I guess it just takes time to get some level of predictable discernment as to what to do. These things are never easy... but the five guidelines presented are invaluable. Sure wish I would have had them 24+ years ago....
Prayers for Thomas family, been following their blog for a while. Also for Caitlyn and Zane.
Small things
It is hard to be small, be quiet, be present especially when you are the quintessential funny fat man but, Gordon, you've hit the nail on the head here. People in such situations don't need our theology, OUR theology, they simply need us, present in all our own broken-ness.
Thank you so much for the reminder.
Ray
thanks
Hey G
thanks heaps for the love shown to Roh and Caitlyn here - who knows where that may lead!
Shalom
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