The Ministers' Morgue - Part Three
Wed, 11/26/2008 - 08:43 | rlp
The final chapter. Read part one and part two.
The man looked at me for a moment or two. He spun his chair around, grabbed a cup, and poured himself some coffee from a Mr. Coffee machine on the credenza behind him.
“Cup of coffee?” he asked without turning around.
“Oh, no. Thanks though.”
He spun back around and opened a desk drawer. He took out a small, flask-shaped bottle of whiskey and poured a shot into his coffee. He looked at me and raised the bottle a few inches. “You sure?”
I snickered and shook my head.
“What’s funny?”
“Oh, just the flask and pouring a shot of whiskey into your coffee. It’s in every movie. Only I’ve never really actually seen anyone do it. It’s like we’re in a film or a story or something.”
The man said nothing. He raised the cup to his lips and sipped from it.
“I find that kind of thing funny is all. That’s funny to me.”
“How’d you know it was whiskey?”
“Oh, I just assumed.”
He made no response to this. He leaned back in his chair and drank his coffee. I thought about asking if there was a Coke machine, but that request seemed so wildly out of place that I abandoned the thought as soon as it occurred to me.
“So what did you think about that?” he asked.
“The autopsy? I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know how to think about…even thinking about that. What was that? How does that happen to anyone? Fused spine? Exploding stuff? Bone shrapnel?”
“I see this sort of thing fairly often. As I said before, it’s rare among the general population, but surprisingly common among clergy of a certain type. I have a pretty good idea of what happened to Doug.”
“Yeah? What happened to him?”
He set his coffee cup down and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his desk.
“Do you know what a tell is?”
“A tell? Yeah, that’s like in poker where your face or something gives you away. You know, like shows that you’re bluffing or something.”
“Right. Some people say that everyone has a tell. That’s correct, but it’s a vast understatement. The truth is, the entire human body is a tell. Your body always tells the truth about you. Eventually. Oh, the body will let you get away with stuff for awhile. You can overeat, smoke, lie, try to love everyone in the world, embezzle, try to act like Jesus, tell white lies for all the best reasons, cheat on your wife. Whatever. You can do these things, but the body will always tell on you in the end. The truth always comes out in the body.”
Suddenly I had a very strange feeling about this guy. “Who are you? You’re not just an autopsy…guy who does the autopsies, are you?”
He smiled and leaned back in his chair. “Heh heh heh. Ahhhh… You!”
I had no idea what he meant by that but decided once again not to press the question.
“What happened to our friend Doug is simply stated. He was trying to be what he could not be.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, let me lay it out for you. There is the reality of who you are. It is the sum total of all that you think and feel and do. It is an undeniable reality. And there is the reality of who you hope to be, what you hope to do, the kind of person you hope to become. And hoping to become something that is better than what you are is a good and worthy thing. But it doesn’t change the fact of who you are at this time. Doug was trying to be something that he was not.”
“You mean he was a hypocrite?”
“Good Lord, no! Doug was perhaps the finest minister I’ve ever known. And I’ve known quite a few. His integrity was above reproach. Ironically, that was his downfall.”
“I’m really having a hard time following you here.”
“Look, the hypocritical ministers never have this problem. The televangelists, the con-artists, the narcissists, the ambitious. They can say one thing, do another, claim to be something else altogether, and go home and sleep like a baby. They know who they are. They’ve made their peace with hypocrisy. They decided long ago that they would do whatever is necessary to get what they want in life. And they usually get exactly what they want.”
“Yeah, but they’re not happy, right? They get the money and power, but those turn out to be hollow and meaningless.”
“Oh no. They’re quite happy. Delirious with happiness. Tickled pink. Glowing. Laughing. Filled with joy. Having a ball.
“Well if that’s true, that just sucks!”
“Settle down now. The truth is, those people have a very shallow idea of happiness. Let them enjoy it. They live in their own world, and we’re talking about a different world. Doug’s problem was that he tried so very hard to be what he thought he should be. He tried be the kind of person he thought the church needed him to be. He tried to love people he could not love. And he denied loves he truly had but felt he shouldn’t. That one hurt him badly - every day. He did things he did not want to do - which is fine - but he tried to make-believe that he enjoyed doing them. Worst of all, he tried to make himself believe things that he did not believe. That’s the one that broke his back in the end. He tried so hard. He couldn’t bear hypocrisy. You can’t imagine the mind games he played trying to keep the faith. I told you that the body does not lie. The tension inside of Doug was immense. By the sheer force of his will, he developed a thick spine to try and hold it all together. But eventually the pressure was too much, and he blew. Boom.”
He paused and scratched the surface of the table with his fingernail.
“They always blow in the end. You should remember that. The body always wins.”
“But it seems like those things he was trying to do are all good things - most of them anyway. And it seems good to me that he wanted to be what he felt he should be.”
“It was good. And Doug was a good man. But it’s not a question of good or bad. It’s simple reality. You are what you are. What else could you be? Perhaps it’s even a good thing that Doug gave his life trying to be what he thought he should be. He helped a lot of people along the way. But just because it was a good thing doesn’t mean it didn’t cost him. Remember, when you break the bottle and pour nard on the feet of Jesus, that might be a good thing to do, but the bottle is still broken and the nard lost forever.”
I sat back in my chair, stunned. Moments passed. The man said nothing. He just sipped his coffee and watched me.
“I don’t know what to do with this new information. I never thought of ministry like this. What am I…what are we supposed to do?”
The man stood up and walked around to my chair. He laid his hand on my shoulder.
“You don’t have to do anything. You came to bear witness, and so you did. You saw what you needed to see. I dare say you won’t forget it either. That’s all you need to know for now.”
A small, red light on his desk started blinking. Both of our heads turned toward it.
“Well, that’s all the time we have. That would be Reverend Sparks. He’s here to identify the other body. Gordon, it’s nice to meet you. Be about the Lord’s work. And be well. See if you can find a way to be both.”
I gasped. “The Tertium Quid!”
He smiled.
I met Sparks at the top of the stairs. He was understandably surprised to see me.
“Gordon, what are you doing here?”
“Same thing you’re doing.”
I watched Sparks go down to the man waiting for him. The last thing I heard before the door closed behind me was, “No credentials? Well, you’ll have to take the test.”
rlp
For those not familiar with the New Testament. The nard reference can be found in John 12:1-8.
Tags:
Wow.
This is a fabulous story, RLP. Smart and surprising and real and kept me on the edge of my seat.
I had to look up the tertium quid, but when I did, the ending of the story gave me chills. Bravo.
And happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
Thanks
Having stopped trying to make myself believe, I nevertheless keep hoping for a path back to belief. That hope isn't enough to satisfy some people, but to me it is something. This blog has been a big part of this process for me.
When a blogger is as authentic as you have been, Gordon, the blog itself becomes like an autopsy. Thanks for letting us serve as witnesses.
Your comment speaks for me.
Your comment speaks for me. I've felt this way about RLP (the blog) for a long time. In fact, just over the past few days, I think I've found my tertium quid -- just about when I'd thrown the baby out with the bath water.
MM
Man, I can't imagine the stuff that goes through your head, but I'm awfully glad it does.
Thank you so much for this story.
Ministry is a weird way to make a living, and you have illutrated this point well.
Wonderful story Gordon,
Wonderful story Gordon, truly. It does raise a question for me though:
Isnt the idea of being a Christian that the life of Christ within you turns you into something new? A new creation that is capable of doing what the old cannot?
Im not saying i disagree with you, I like your point here, Im just curious...
Yes the new creation thing
Yes the new creation thing is a BIG part of our faith. That's the tension in the story. That's why Doug was a good guy. But there are some complicating factors, nuances that I was hoping to point out.
1. It is one thing to aspire to something better. It is another thing to lie about being that. It is another thing to pretend you are something you are not, even if that is something you want to be.
2. There is a price to pay for everything, even for good things.
3. Anything can be taken to an extreme and become unhealthy.
4. If you are paid to be a good Christian, as ministers are, it can be something of a conflict of interest. And what if you - meaning well - find yourself trying to be a lot of things for a lot of people. Good or not, that has its price.
So I don't see this as being in conflict with the idea of becoming new people in Christ.
That is a great answer
That is a great answer Gordon.
Just last night, as I was
Just last night, as I was discussing my current malaise about ministry, a friend ask, "What part(s) of ministry do you not want to do right now?" The heart of my answer, "Selling them the idea that I know something, that the minister is special, that somehow I can love them all and be all things..."
Thanks again, RLP
Tertium Quid
"the minister is special"
This is something I have always tried hard to fight against. I had the advantage of a senior pastor in my first call who clearly and specifically warned me to watch my boundaries, and who guarded those boundaries for me even when he couldn't for himself (he was a lifelong workaholic). Perhaps the fact that I was female, and quickly pregnant, and then the mother of a baby, made him more aware of helping me keep my balance than he would have been if I'd been a young man, I don't know. But I have always tried to insist to myself and my congregation that the minister is as human as they are, called to Christian discipleship as they are, called and trained to help them in their Christian walk, but far from perfect myself. So far, people have responded well.
Carrie
Aha!
Kind of remake of the old "You Ain't Jesus, Preacher," yes?
Splendid. Imaginative, vivid, chilling, and true.
Yeah, the same idea
Yeah, the same idea certainly.
mmmm... liked it. A lot. I
mmmm... liked it. A lot.
I really dug a recent book on Theresa of Calcutta and her doubts. It seems relevant here. Have you read it?
No, but I'm aware of her
No, but I'm aware of her doubts, having read about that and the book in other places.
I could NOT figure out where
I could NOT figure out where you were going with this. But I LOVE the point about the bottle of nard!! What a unique way to look at it, and a real point to consider...
Rev. Sparks?
Now where have I heard that name before?
lol, And all the pirates
lol,
And all the pirates ought to be able to figure out why sparks makes so much sense in this piece.
And so it does. Beautifully
And so it does. Beautifully and perfectly.
Well, I can honestly say
Well, I can honestly say that I was hooked by this story, I had to read first parts.
Tom from caravan porch awning guide
Yes, it is really well
Yes, it is really well written and quite interesting.
Greg livecams frauen
Very well done, Gordon.
On both the story and the conversation thus far.
It is the Christian's dilemma to be not what we have been, nor what we think we ought be, but merely what we are becoming, by God's hand. I think the last part is where we fall down. We like doing things ourselves.
Peace
Hook
The first thing I thought
The first thing I thought when I read the "diagnosis" in the last chapter was "he let the pressure build up until he was inflexible." Not quite the same as where you went, but I think part of the story. Trying to be something we're not ultimately does make us less flexible as we walk the path toward who God calls us to be.
I love this story--I am sending the links around to friends! Thank you for sharing it here.
Just wanted to say that that
Just wanted to say that that new bookshelf thing is pretty cool. I respect your literary tastes, so keep puttin books up there.
is this a true story?
there's dream-like quality in it that almost makes it unreal. (though of course the messages are still there)
One of your best stories yet
One of your best stories yet ... intriguing, suspenseful, insightful, and profound. Your writing has kept me over ... until I could formulate my own tertium quid. Thank you Gordon.
thank you.
thank you what a wonderful story... so much to think about...thank you.
Awesome
Preacher, that is one of the best and coolest series of posts I've ever read here. Period.
Beautiful Story
I wonder how thick my spine has become?
It is SO HARD trying to live up to what people expect the preacher to be. I get so tired.
Thanks Gordon. It's nice to know others struggle.
Sad Smile
Your gift in writing is very much appreciated and your mention of tertium quid struck me. I am a former pastor, who, after after making a distasteful remark in a public forum, found out the true nature of the church. Misunderstandings (and the rumor mill) led to anger, revulsion and distrust. After 8 years of successful ministry, my family and I were thrown out of the church and onto the streets in short order. For the first time in my life, I had no job, no home and no finacial recources to fall back on. I had given up lucrative employment to answer the call to ministry.
This action was not just done by the local congregation but by the official hierarchy as well. What really hurt was the void of follow up afterward. My wife, three children and a grandchild were all living with me and counted on me to provide income and housing for them. And not once, not even once did a member or the church or hierarchy (some former pastors of mine) ever try to contact me to check on my well-being. But the false rumors sure abounded and one person even tracked me to get me fired from my secular job.
I tried to avoid the Tertium Quid, vowing to just be who I was; a caring, patient, down-to-earth pastor who was the same whether on the streets, in the pulpit or at the bedside. After two years of tears, fears and therapy, I know longer feel the rage/shame/confusion that were once my closest companions. But I still can't even consider having a church home or trusting anyone with clergy credentials. (I'm glad you don't carry them.)
I still chat with God, though not as often as before. And I feel empty inside. And unfortunately, my wife is not as far along as I yet. But I still have hope...and that is all. I have read you off and on for about 5 years. You have a gift for writing, but it's you openness that attracted me and keeps me coming back. I applaud your openness and as you are still at your church, I applaud them as well.
yes
D -
i am so sad that you were treated that way because of people's fears and anger. none of that was about you. i know because i have been driven out of a church setting, fired in a public and humiliating way, and for a long time i struggled with deep, deep shame. sorrow. anger. and after a time, of lots of introspection, and sincerely looking at, and owning, what i'd done to contribute to whatever caused this train wreck, i realized that it wasn't me - it was them. their sickness. their fear of looking within. their desire for a scapegoat. whatever.
and - i've absolutely accepted that what happened to me and to my family was never what god wanted. it's not god's fault. god's infuriated and heartbroken.
god ain't the problem; sick people are the problem. and they ran you and your family over.
i am so sorry for your pain.
i send you much, much love.
D, I'm sorry to hear of
D,
I'm sorry to hear of this. There are many ex-ministers who were hurt by churches. And there are many ex-church people who were hurt by ministers.
Innocent parties on either side remain hurt and suspicious of each other. It's like love. You get hurt and you have to take a risk to love again.
Minister's Morgue
Usher: Hey Deak, do you think Constantine had any idea what the office of the pastor would become when he set up the "pastorate"?
Deacon: Not a clue. Who would ever have thought that all laiety would force such expectations on a single person, backed only by a degree and very little trench life, and then leave them dangling in the wind when they make one mistake in the eyes of any or all?
Usher: What percentage actually see through it all and walk away?
Deacon: Not sure, but I'm confident it's higher than you think. Unlike us buzzards, humans have all the baggage and the perception of "none of the freedoms". They are told they can be "anything they want to be". We don't have to worry about clothes, cars, power or pleasing all those parishoners who sit in the pews for an hour a week and judge the pastor.
Usher: There are times when the roadkill is old and dry and the people are on vacation (less roadkill) when I'd like to curse being a buzzard. But not after reading this!
Awww....a pirate reference!!!
I love how you threw Sparks there in the end. Totally apropos. Made me want to go get my trout out of storage.
This is one of my favorite essays so far. I almost hated for it to end!
Fantastic
What a pleasure, Gordon!
A question about change
I realize that this story is mostly about those in ministry, so I don't want to take anything too far out of context. But I do have a question for you, Preacher. Do you believe that a person can, at a molecular level, truly change? And if so, what is your interpretation of what has taken place when that has happened?
Help me understand what you
Help me understand what you mean by "at the molecular level." I think you mean fundamental change. Real change. Like your basic nature changes. I'll proceed with that assumption, but you can clarify if you need to.
How drastically can people change? No one knows that answer. I'll tell you what I think.
I think that much of our personalities is pretty well locked in place by the time we hit our 20s. I'm talking about things like Jungian categories. Introversion vs. Extroversion. Meyers Briggs Stuff. I am an INTJ, so the MB test says. And I don't seem to be changing.
But other things do change. Alcoholics get sober. Mean people have a religious experience and are changed in some fundamental kind of way. I couldn't be a serious Christian if I didn't believe in redemption, and of this life not just the next.
I wrote something about evil recently and brought up the strange case of David Berkowitz. He seems to have changed quite drastically.
This story is a wonderful
This story is a wonderful gift. Like others have posted, the narrative was gripping, and I *had* to know what happened next. It all comes together in the last installment--the revelaton of Doug trying to be who he could not be. It hits home. I remember a conversation with a pastor-friend who, when someone had said made a remark about all the hypocrites in the church, responded quietly [and I don't think the other person heard or understood], "and I'm the biggest one of all."
As I was reading the installments, I felt grateful that you are doing what you are doing, writing with such imagination and tenderness, the words that both you, and we who read you, need to hear. I know it isn't easy--what with your other responsibilities, and the loss of the writing anonymity you once had, but Gordon, thank you thank you thank you that you find a way to write. I'll be sharing this with my pastor-friend (who is not a blog reader)--I know he will understand, too, and you will have helped yet another.
The Minister's Charge
The minister's charge is to teach Christ, not to be Him. Because I am a minister, I may try harder than otherwise to guard and reinforce my own faith so that I'm capable of teaching. But I refuse to lie or hold myself up as more or different than I am. If I did, I don't think my spine would explode, but I might cause someone else's faith to fail when the truth came out.
torn
I want so much to be true to myself--it is particularly important to me after growing up pretending everything was ok. But I came and read this story after being faced with what to say to my husband who had the beginnings of dementia. He says I seem to still love him but not like him very much any more. Which is true, but I hated to hurt him by saying it. All the advice says to learn to lie to people with dementia. Your story makes me feel more torn. At some point I'm going to have to try to keep him happy by lying, but not being true to myself.
Ah I finally finished it!
Ah I finally finished it! Good Lord that was a good story!
exellent story
Excellent story, thanks.