November 2002Somewhere in Heaven
One more thing, Excellency. A minor thing. You see it there at the bottom of your list. It's the question of what's to be done with Gordon Atkinson.
Gordon Atkinson? That name is not familiar to me.
It wouldn't be, my Lord. He's not particularly important, as it were, but of course that sort of thing has never mattered to Our Father. At any rate, he IS on your list.
Yes... well, tell me about him.
Not much to tell, really. He's a youngish man, early 40s. Lives in a rather rugged part of Texas. And likes it, so the report says.
Ugh.
In any case, he lives there, and he is seeking to do the Father's work.
What sort of a man is he?
He's very worldly, my Lord. He spent his adolescent years playing sports, sneaking peaks at Playboy, listening to rock music, and watching violent movies. He has a morbid curiosity, I'm afraid. He's outspoken, weak at times, quick to judge, a bit lazy with the details, a procrastinator.
And he's vulgar.
Vulgar?
Terribly vulgar, my Lord. He's quite an embarrassment. We're not sure what to do with him.
Go on.
He's a fleshly man. A man who loves sensations. Hot food, cold drink, sex, that sort of thing. He spits. He breaks wind - loudly I might add. He belches. And he laughs at all of those things. He loves the earth and the body and all the usual sins that go along with persons of this sort.
Is there nothing GOOD you can tell me about this man, Hopkins?
There is SOME good, of course. He is a child of Our Father.
It certainly seems unlikely.
Yes. In any case, he's got an uncommon imagination and a streak of creativity to boot. His passion seems to match his vulgarity, as is often the case. He loves deeply and completely; I'll say that much for him. He's got an excellent sense of humor and a robust laugh.
Hmm. This is interesting.
What?
Well, his file states clearly that his love and devotion to The Lord are complete and unquestioned. But it also says he isn't sure that God exists.
Bit odd, wouldn't you say?
There have been such cases, but yes, it is unusual.
I begin to get the picture.
One last thing, Excellency. He has a gift with words, spoken and especially written.
Does he know of this gift?
Well, he's been blathering on for a decade or so. He IS a preacher.
Good Lord, how did that happen?
Ah, unknown as of yet. We're making inquiries.
Have Simpkins from acquisitions sacked immediately.
It shall be done. Now, back to the question of Mr. Atkinson. He HAS been dabbling in writing for some time, and he's very keen on doing more of it. I recommend we encourage him, if only for this: It keeps him from watching reruns of the Simpsons at night, a ghastly waste of time to my way of thinking.
The Simpsons, eh? I have decided. He shall be a writer. But first, shoot him through with a white-hot bolt of fear, running from uvula to colon. Fear, understand? I want that colon to seize with it.
Fear, Excellency?
Yes. He deserves it. He won't mind, in any case. Simple fool will probably think it gives his writing an edge.
What shall he be afraid of, My Lord?
He shall be afraid of losing his soul, because he may well lose it. Make no mistake, we're taking a real risk with this character.
Agreed.
And Hopkins, I'd like you to set him down in a lowly place. Somewhere out of the way. Let fear and love drive him, alternatively. Have you heard of Weblogs?
No, my Lord. I don't get out much.
The boys in research will fill you in on the particulars. Make him a blogger, and let him stand by the door to the Heavens, welcoming strangers. Perhaps someday he shall enter that door himself.
All shall be done as you have commanded. Anything else, my Lord.
Just one more thing. Let him be called, "Real Live Preacher."
It amuses me.