We have a good number of snakes in Texas, though I’ve only had run-ins with a few of them. Luckily, I know just enough about snakes to keep myself reasonably safe.
There are four poisonous snakes in Texas: The Copperhead, the Cotton Mouth (Water Moccasin), the Rattlesnake, and the Coral Snake. The first three are easy to spot because they have the classic, triangular head common to many venomous snakes. You don’t really have to know any more than that here in Texas. If you see a snake with a head that in any way resembles a triangle, run like hell, dumbass!
Now the Coral Snake is a little more difficult to spot. It does not have a triangular head. It has red, black, and yellow stripes. The harmless King Snake also has red, black and yellow stripes, but they are in a different order. Luckily there is another handy little poem to help you keep this straight.
Red touches yellow, kill a fellow.
Red touches black, venom lack.
In my case I’m afraid that in the heat of the moment I might get the poem wrong and say something like:
Red touches black, step back Jack.
Red touches yellow, step up and say hello.
To avoid a potential problem, I simplified the poem to a haiku.
If you see a snake
With stripes red, yellow, and black.
Run like hell, dumbass!
Some years ago, when there were only two sisters and they were both in elementary school, I stepped out the front door and found a full-grown, Western Diamondback Rattlesnake right there on my front porch. I didn’t see him at first. I stretched and yawned, then looked to the side and saw him coiled up about two feet from me.
I’m sorry, were you using this porch?
I leapt inside, spooking both girls. “What’s wrong?” they shouted.
“There’s a Rattlesnake on the front porch.”
Let’s agree that these symbols represent the sound of two girls shrieking and running around in a mad panic:
&*%$#@!*$!
It took a few minutes to get them calmed down. “What are you gonna do, daddy?”
“I’m gonna go out there and hack him to pieces with a shovel, I guess.”
&*%$#@!*$!
&*%$#@!*$!
&*%$#@!*$!
With two little girls around, I wasn’t feeling much in a “Peta mood,” if you know what I mean. So I killed the snake with my shovel and went back inside. “It’s okay girls, he’s dead. I’m just going to throw him in the trash can." I put on a pair of work gloves and went back outside.
The girls stared out the window while I picked up the pieces of rattlesnake. Then one of the pieces started jerking in my hand.
&*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$!
&*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$!
&*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$! &*%$#@!*$!
What is it about snakes that spooks us so deeply? I know some of you adore snakes and feel they are misunderstood. You have perhaps a pet snake which you hug and play with and insist has a personality all its own. Hey, I get that. Yes, snakes have been misunderstood. There aren't many reasons to kill them, though I will make the case that a Rattlesnake on your front porch is one of them.
But for many people, snakes are just creepy.
Sucks to be a snake, I guess.
I’ve always been rather interested in animal reputations. Squirrels are cute and lovable, while rats cause people to shiver with disgust. The only difference is the tail, though I will admit, having touched a rat’s tail, that’s a big difference.
Crickets are cute and get shooed out the door, while roaches call for chemical warfare.
Certain animals seem to have charisma. Something about their faces. Dolphins, Koalas, Horses. We love them. Goats with their weird eyes seem diabolical. Sharks look like pure evil. If you want to dream up a face for Satan, don’t make it a red one with little horns. Give him the face of a Great White Shark. Now that will scare anyone into the arms of Jesus.
Animals seem to be the subject of many conversations at Casa Atkinson these days. My oldest two daughters are vegetarians. Passionately so. And they make very good arguments. It’s hard to talk to them because they’re making good sense. They don’t eat things with faces, and we do. So we’re having those discussions.
And if that weren’t enough, our dog is going blind along with all of her other ailments. We adopted this dog from the shelter because that seemed like the responsible thing to do. We’ve all fallen in love with her, which is unfortunate because about everything that could be wrong with a dog is wrong with her. She has bad teeth, degrading eyes, and a collapsing trachea that causes her to honk like a goose. As if that weren’t enough, something is wrong with her hind legs. She walks with them bowed and her bottom almost touching the ground. To me she looks like a bat hobbling around.
So the question is, “How much will you spend on a pet?” So far we could have bought a dog bred in the Queen of England’s bed for the money we’ve spent keeping this limping, hacking, lovable little creature alive. And now my daughter’s parakeet has a liver problem.
A liver problem. It causes her to pluck out her own feathers. The vet says an overnight stay and a round of antibiotics might help.
[Deep, even breaths, Gordon. Deep and even]
Animals. Lord help us. If they’re not coiled on our porches and keeping us glued to the Discovery Channel, they're breaking our hearts and our bank accounts.
I can tell you this. Lucy and the bird are the last two pets we’re going to have for awhile. We just can’t afford it, financially or emotionally.
rlp