First, thank you for your kind comments after
my last post. I have strong but mixed feelings about writing in such a way about
myself. I don't think anyone has yet figured out exactly what blogs are or what
they should be. In my case I think of Real Live Preacher, first of all, as the
place where I post/publish very serious works of writing. My essays are precious
to me, and I put everything I have into them. Writing is the only area of my
life where I can truthfully say I've done my dead-level best. I can't write them
any better.
But RLP is also a blog, and another part of my
writing here is less polished and more personal. I also venture into the journal
side of blogging, which is cool in its own way. I write specifically about my
life, and I try to be honest about myself and my own struggles. That doesn't
mean my struggles are easier or harder than anyone else's, of course. And
sometimes I struggle with things that other people don't even understand. The
point for me is seeking honesty, both in writing and about myself and in the
place where those intersect.
So now I've opened my life to a lot of people,
and some of them have begun to truly care about me, which is a
precious and incredibly generous gift for them to give me. But that opens up a whole new
level of complexity doesn't it? Ideally, honest, personal writing would have a
nice separation between the writer and the reader. In order to write without
worrying about the reaction I might get, I enter a state of denial. I write as
if no one is going to read my words until after I'm dead. That really is how I
think about it, or maybe how I don't think about it.
But of course we all know that I'm not dead,
and since you care about me, you want to leave comments and encourage me. Again, that's
incredibly kind of you. What a gift! But there are so many of you...yikes! And
truly my problems are such run-of-the-mill, normal, human kinds of problems. I
don't mean to suggest that I need a telethon or anything. Yesterday I saw a blog
entry that just said, "RLP is in pain. Pray for him!" It had a link to my last
post.
And I was like, "No, no, no!" Then I
felt bad because it was such a kind thing to write, so then I was like, "Well,
okay, sure, thanks, but why don't we put whatever compassionate energy we have
into some hungry children or something like that, you know?"
You get this, right? So it's okay. There is a
tension here, but I can live with it if you can. I can write honestly about
myself if I know that we all understand that a blog is the story of one person's
life, told imperfectly and awkwardly at times, but in the way that seemed right
in the moment. It's weird, I almost don't think of Real Live Preacher as my
life. It's just a life. Just someone's life chosen at random. Don't you think
this has got to be inducing some kind of serious schizophrenia in me? I don't
know. What do I know? I just write stuff as it comes to me.
Okay, but wait, because there is another, more
serious, complicating issue that comes with this. And this is actually the
harder issue for me. See, almost everyone I know in real life - I mean the
people who know Gordon Atkinson - now are aware of Real Live Preacher and read
this blog at least occasionally. And that's fine with me. Mostly I just write
stuff and then never speak of it around my friends unless they bring it up, and
then I try to change the subject. But reading a posting on a blog is an awkward,
crummy way for people to find out that a friend is sick or hurt or depressed or
got fired or whatever. So I always know that when I write about a personal
struggle, my mom will probably call me, worried. My sister will get worried.
People in the church won't know what they should or shouldn't say. And I start
feeling like a lousy friend, brother, son, husband, father, pastor, whatever. I mean, don't the
people in your life deserve to hear stuff straight from you?
And I think that using a
blog to send messages to people in your life is a VERY unhealthy thing to do.
It's creating a dysfunctional communication triangle with two people and a blog.
That's not straight, honest communication. I try never to do that. I never
consciously use Real Live Preacher to send a message to anyone. Only I guess it
probably seems like I do to my friends and family. I'm really sorry for that,
but I can't call everyone I know and tell them what I'm going to write ahead of
time. And even if I could it would be such a grandiose, self-absorbed kind of
thing to do.
Let's face it. Here is a hard truth:
There is no good way to write about yourself
with any depth and honesty if people who know you and care about you are reading
your words while you are still alive. There is no way to do this without causing
problems. At least I haven't figured out a way yet.
So here's what I've come up with...for now. For
those of you who only know me through my writing, you can do whatever you want.
Send comments, pray for me, whatever feels right to you. I don't care if it's
one comment or a hundred. I'm going to try not to be embarrassed and to accept
that this is a unique situation we're in. I understand your compassion, and if I
were you I'd probably leave comments and send email to me. You go right ahead.
I'll read them all, and they do matter to me. I love you for that.
For those of you who are my friends (in real
life) and family and especially those of you who are a part of my faith
community, I'm sorry if my writing makes things a little awkward between us. I'm
trying to push the edges but also not go too far. I'm trying to write about one
man's life, and mine is the only life I know well enough to write about. If I
write about something and don't bring it up when we talk, I'd love it if we
could both just let it go and not worry about it. If I need to talk about it,
you know I will. But if you are worried about me, having read
something at Real Live Preacher, feel free to ask me about it if you want to. If
I write about it, you can ask about it. That's only fair.
I can't think of any physical or social thing -
no amount of possessions or wealth or power - that is as important as relationships. Our relationships are our most important treasures. I want mine to
be straight and honest and healthy.
You probably didn't need to read any of this.
But I needed to write it, so that I can try to keep it straight in my mind.
Ironically, I'm probably the most confused person in the weird, online world of
Real Live Preacher.
Thanks for listening,
gordon
