Dear RLP,
I have been reading your blog for about the
last 9 months and look forward to it. But I have to tell you, one of your recent
pieces affected me down to my heart. It is called, "Big
Numbers and Little Girls."
You see, this has always been my dream with
my dad, that he would have loved me this much, in a proper way. You say that a
child will always matter, but I have never felt that, at least not towards
myself. I haven't felt very important, or that it mattered that I was here on
this planet.
I have always wondered why I wasn't
protected from my dad and why all this happened to me. Let me tell you, I know
what it feels like to live in fear and without real love. It takes something
precious away from you. You will never be a little girl like that again. You are
destroyed.
It's funny, but I don't blame God for my
dad. And I have such a deep appreciation for people who love children and care
for them in the way that they should.
It's just that I wish so much that I could
have had that.
So, thank you for writing and for your blog.
Susan
*************
Dear Susan,
I get a fair amount of email from sad, grown-up
little girls who missed out on what should have been their birthright. The love
of a daughter for her father is such a delicate and sacred thing, though it is
also very strong and durable. Fathers can make a lot of mistakes and be
forgiven. Children love to forgive if you just ask them.
But it sounds like what your father did was
beyond neglect or simply not being very present in your life. It sounds like he
hurt you terribly, and that is an evil so dark that it takes my breath away. I
don't know what this will mean so many years later and from so far away, but I'm
sorry this happened to you. So sorry. You deserved better.
I don't know why some fathers cannot see that
the child clinging to their legs is the most precious gift on earth and the most
sacred trust. Some sell that relationship for a bowl of stew, to use a biblical
image. Or worse, they destroy it outright.
Our human freedom is certainly a blessed and a
terrible thing.
I hope you have found people in your life to
love you. Something about the quiet, vulnerable way you expressed yourself makes
me think that you have. I do hope so.
What I'm about to say borders on being a little
hokey. If it is, just understand that I meant well and didn't know any other way
to say it.
I know you're not a little girl anymore, except
in your heart where that little girl will always live, though she may be hard to
find. If I could travel back in time and find you, I want you to know that it
would be an honor to be your father.
Love,
rlp
Used with permission. The name and some
wording was changed.
