The Physical Journey
I got up this morning and decided I would write
about my depression again. Why? I have no idea. I rarely plan what happens here.
I fly by the seat of my pants, go with my gut, whatever you want to call it.
Sometimes someone will ask why I wrote something, or what I was hoping to
accomplish by writing something, or why in the world did I find it necessary to
use vulgar language so much in the old days. It's always a little
embarrassing to have no answers for those kind of questions. I turn into a
teenager if someone asks why I wrote something or why I wrote something in a
particular way. I shrug and say, "I dunno. Because it came out that way, I
guess."
I've written seven times about depression. You
can find those essays
here. Work from the bottom up if you want
to read the story as it happened. The bottom essay was written during a down
time and the others are about admitting my depression and beginning medication
for it.
So now it's been eight months. Eight months
since I crawled into the doctor's office, desperate for help. Eight months of
remembering who I am. Eight months of reconnecting with my children and my wife.
Eight months of going to church on Sunday mornings with no feelings of despair.
After some trial and error, I have I finally
found a combination of medications that work for me. My original medication,
Imipramine, is an older drug. It's also a "dirty" drug, meaning it's very
effective but it will likely affect you in other ways as well. The newer drugs
are more precise, as I understand it. I don't know why my doctor started me with
Imipramine. I wasn't asking a lot of questions at that time. Something about the
particulars of my situation, I suppose.
I have had some significant troubles with
Imipramine. First, I kept having to increase my dosage, which would work for awhile,
but then I would begin to slide back into depression. Second, I had some real
struggles with other side effects. Imipramine took about 40% off the top of my
libido. This was a grief all by itself. I felt strange, almost like a sexless
creature. It's hard to exaggerate just how central sexuality is to your
life and to your sense of yourself. It's probably a testimony to how bad I once
felt that I was willing to accept this new reality if it meant I wouldn't have
to go back down into the scary, black place again. Yeah, that was a tough thing
for me to take, not to mention my wife. But my God, the three sisters were
losing their daddy. I had to get that fixed and trust that I would get
everything else straightened out along the way.
I have to laugh at myself, because I kept
cutting the part about my sexuality, saying, "What the hell do you think you're
doing? EVERYONE reads this!" Then I would feel like something was missing and
put it back. I finally decided to leave it because that's a very important part
of this journey. And people who embark on this journey ought to know what they
may be facing.
In December I started seeing a psychiatrist
instead of my M.D. He put me on Wellbutrin with only a small dose of Imipramine.
Bingo. That seems to be the magic combination, for now. I feel great and the
side effects are just about gone.
I look down at my tennis shoes, scuff them
in the dirt a bit, then look back at you with kind of a shy smile.
"Yeah, I'm back now. ALL of me seems to be
back, and that's probably all I should say about that."
So that's the physical part of the journey.
I've learned a few things along the way.
- Be patient with this. Don't expect quick
answers or miracles. This is more complex than taking an antibiotic.
- Talk about everything you are feeling and
experiencing with your spouse or significant other. Talking not only helps
you, it helps the one you love because he or she is taking this journey with
you.
- If you have children, talk to them about
this. All three sisters
know that dad is on medication, which they think is great because Mr. Grumpy
pants hasn't dropped by for a visit in eight months! Someday I'll have to
write about Mr. Grumpy Pants.
- Understand that you manage depression. The medication that works today may not work in a few months. Someday you
might not need any medication at all. You can't worry about tomorrow with
this. You have to be happy for today and let that be enough.
As it turns out, the emotional journey of
depression is just as difficult and perhaps harder. Relationships that were
harmed or even formed while you were depressed do not heal quickly or by
themselves.
But I'll write more about that part tomorrow...
rlp
