The Emotional Journey
There is the physical side of depression
recovery, of course. It may involve medical intervention for physical symptoms
and emotional states. In my case, as my depression deepened, I began to have
migraine headaches for the first time in my life. Apparently, the
neurotransmitters that I seem to be deficient in also have something to do with
the dilatation of blood vessels. Migraine headaches are a classic symptom. I
also developed a facial tick and serious sleeping problems, along with a few
other assorted symptoms.
It is astonishing how quickly those physical
symptoms went away as soon as I started taking medication. To be honest, I might
be willing to take the medication just to avoid the headaches. And after a
period of time, I found that I no longer felt depressed, but was engaged and
interacting with people in ways that are important to me.
So this is good, right? Sure! Of course it is.
It's freakin great!
But when you start to recover from depression,
you may find that there are some emotional and relationship messes that cannot
be fixed with pills.
Yesterday was Valentine's day. On this day I
have traditionally given a flower to each of my three daughters along with a
card that contains a VERY personal and carefully written affirmation of love
from me. These little love notes are not filled with trite sayings. I write my
heart out in them. It's always something special and just right for each of
them. Watching them read my words has always been something I look forward to.
This year I didn't have to buy cards because I
still had the three cards I bought for them last year and never gave them. One
year ago I was in the deepest part of my depression. I had a number of emotional
collapses that frightened Jeanene very much, because I had always been a steady
and reliable presence in our family. Suddenly, with me falling apart, she was
facing the reality that she was the last line of defense.
It's hard to man the fort alone. And she had to
do it.
At that time I wandered into a store and picked
out three Valentine's cards, one for each girl. I took them home, laid them on
my nightstand, and never picked them up again. I have no memory of what I did or
didn't do that Valentine's day. But one thing is for sure, the three sisters did
not get their cards. I remember noticing the cards around the end of February.
"Oh yeah." I said without much emotion. I didn't even feel regretful.
You really can't drop out of your children's
lives without doing damage. That's the bad news. The worst damage was with my
oldest daughter, with whom I had a number of hard conflicts at that time. We
were drifting apart, and if it had continued it would have been much harder to
set right. The good news is that no one forgives with more grace and love than a
child. You have to sit down, tell the truth about yourself, and apologize. You
can't make a lot of promises, but if your daily interaction with them shows them
that you're back, all may be forgiven and you can move forward. I don't know if
I have ever been closer to the three sisters than I am today. And that is VERY
good news.
When it comes to Jeanene, things are little
harder. I need to be very respectful of my wife's life and privacy, so I think
I'll just say that it is my turn to be patient and wait. When the meds took
effect, I was suddenly the old Gordon again. The change happened very quickly,
and I was ready to pick up right where we left off. That's nice, but she doesn't
have any magic medicine to change her life. And she has been carrying a huge
burden because of me. It isn't easy to lay down a burden you've carried for
another. All change takes time, even good change. I don't need to feel guilty
and apologize a million times. I just need to be very tender and let her know
how I feel.
If you find yourself in this situation and
you're smart, you might just pretend that you and your spouse are dating again.
In that case, "Go get her, boy. Win her affection. Sweep her off her feet!"
The last thing I want to talk about might be
called the "It's my turn!" syndrome. When a family system absorbs the impact of
the loss of one of its component parts, the rest of the family has to take up
the slack. If father suddenly appears after a long absence, there is another
trauma to the system as people try to get used to life with dad again. Sometimes
someone else in the family has been waiting their turn to crash. In our case,
our precious middle daughter suddenly developed a few issues of her own. I think
it is no coincidence that this arose just a month or two after my medication
began to help me.
So it's her turn, and it's my job and my honor
to walk with her through her hard time. She will be fine, I'm sure. She has good
ego strength and a wonderful connection to Jeanene and I. But yeah, there are
some things to work on.
I guess I could sum up the whole thing by
saying this:
"I'm back, and that's a good thing. But family
repair isn't quick and easy. There's a lot to do, and it's certainly my turn to
shoulder a good bit of the load."
rlp
