Theology can only
ever be simple thoughts from simple minds that are forever trapped in moments of
time.
You want to know how it happened? I’ll tell you
how it happened. I got tired. I couldn’t do it anymore. I fought an inward
battle with orthodoxy for years and tried to figure out what the Bible has to
say about this. I took six years of Greek, hoping the original language of the
New Testament might shed some light. I got a Bachelor’s degree in religious
studies and a Master of Divinity. I read everything I could find and talked to
everyone I respected. But in the end, it all came down to this – I could not be
orthodox in this matter. I could not. So I gave up and gave in. And the minute I
did I felt a flood of cool relief, like water after forty days in the desert.
The moment of choice came, and I chose to stand
with my friends. That’s the deal. That’s the way it happened. I wish I could
tell you that my rigorous study finally unlocked the secrets of the New
Testament’s scant witness on this matter, but it never did. For twenty years I
asked this question of the Bible and never got a clear answer. Finally, I
realized that I could wait on the Bible no longer.
I had to choose my place in the middle of
uncertainty, ambiguity, and doubt. I had to make a choice. I had to stand on one
side or the other. The bottom line is, I don’t give a damn what you think the
Bible says. I’m not going to stand against my friends on this. I can’t. I
cannot. I am unable to stand against them and not collapse from sorrow and
despair.
Whatever this says about me, I willingly
accept. You say this makes me a liberal? What does a label like that mean when
laid alongside real living? You say I don’t respect the scriptures? It’s been
years since I had the energy or the desire to argue about that with anyone. The
truth is, I’m okay with any label you want to give me. Only I’m not going to
stand against my friends. I’m not going to do it.
I’ll tell you what I told God on an evening
that started out like any other, but ended up being the night of the choosing.
That was the night I watched a video interview with Lewes Smedes, called
“There’s a wideness to God’s mercy.”
“Dear God, I am unsure of what is right because
there are people I respect on both sides of this issue. But I cannot stand
against my friends and remain emotionally healthy. It will kill me to stand
against them. I cannot do it. Forgive me for my weakness, my fear, my
unwillingness to take chances, and for all the times when I have been wrong and
believed the wrong things. I pray that you bless whatever goodness you find in
me. You know my heart and my desire.”
There was darkness over the waters and over me
for so long. There was no wideness to God’s mercy in those days. I did not know
the way out of the darkness, so I chose the way that seemed right to me. Having
chosen, I will not turn back now. It is finally done, after all these years.
rlp
For my brothers and sisters in Christ -
Dave, Brian, Carol, Dylan, Tom,
Don, Jeremy, Brenda, Lou Ann, and Julie R.
View the Lewis Smedes Video - "There's a Wideness to God's
Mercy."
Transcript of the Video.
