Dear RLP,
I am distraught right now. I have done
something terrible that I didn't mean to and it looks like it stands a good
chance of destroying my marriage. I feel so lost and alone right now. I've been
crying and screaming all night but I'm not doing anything stupid. I desperately
hope you can give some words, perhaps your own, perhaps from the bible, that
might offer some hope for me to grasp.
You are the closest I've been to a religious
leader in some time because my wife and I couldn't find a church that seemed
right to us when we moved. Sorry to come crawling but I don't feel like there's
anyone else I could contact.
Thank you, and God bless,
Mike
*************
Dear Mike
Wow, this is a tough one. I don't know you
or your wife. I don't know your history or any details about what you've done. I
don't know if this is a first offense or another chapter in a history of
behaviors that will perhaps be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
You don't need to write back and give me any
more information. I simply want you to understand why I can't be specifically
helpful to you as you try to figure out what to do next.
What I can say is that two people who want
desperately for their marriage to work can almost always find a way to make it
work. Of course, they must both desire healing and be prepared to work hard at
mending the relationship. I hope that is true about you and your wife. I hope
you are hurting and regretful and confused, but both still wanting to find a way
to make this marriage work. If that is the case, I have one BIG word of advice.
Don't try to fix this yourself. It is likely
that you will not be able to do that. If you two keep this problem a secret and
try to sort it out yourselves, you will probably fail. Sometimes, when a
marriage is in trouble, the things you do to try to help the situation and cope
with your own grief and remorse are exactly the sort of things that cause your
spouse to become sadder, angrier, more depressed, etc. Vicious cycles
abound in these situations. You do your best to help her, but you only end up
making her more angry. She does her best to relate to you, but you become even
more isolated.
It's called being stuck. And if this is a
serious as you say it is, my guess is that you are stuck already.
Sometimes you run into a couple who has been
married for - I don't know, a thousand years or something - and they
proudly announce that they never needed any damn counseling. They worked through
their problems all by themselves, thank you very much, and look how long they
have been married. But if you look closely at their relationship, the intimacy
is gone. They managed to stay in the same house, but there is nothing left to
the relationship except paying the bills and sharing an air conditioner.
You don't want that. So don't try to do this
alone. Get help now. Find a counselor or a pastor or someone with some knowledge
and experience to sit down with you and help you work through this. A serious
counselor will pay close attention to your families of origin and your history
as a couple. There are no shortcuts.
It's hard to get started, so MAKE YOURSELF
pick up the phone and make the appointment.
You wanted hope, so here it is: If you both
want a healthy marriage, and you are both willing to work - HARD, then there is
hope for you. Many people find that their marriages are richer and more
fulfilling after they have rebuilt them. This is your chance to set things
right.
rlp
p.s. - Write me and let me know what
happens, if you like. By the time you get this you can know that I've already
prayed for you.
This letter, like all that I post here, is used with the permission of the one
who sent it.
