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I sure hope writing this (and knowing that your community of understanding and caring readers and friends will read this) will help you in some way.

This sounds like one of those things that cry out for a quick fix, an immediate salve or potion. A magic prayer to speak or faery dust to sprinkle.

And this sounds like one of those things that doesn't have a simple answer or quick fix. I'm so sorry about that too.

My heartfelt prayers to you Gordon
-Kevin

Hang in there. Talk to whoever is doing your prescribing. One thought - is the pharmacist giving you the generic? Some generics don't work for some people. I take a thyroid pill every day. On the name brand, I do fine. Exact same dose on the generic, and when they run the lab tests on me, my levels are bad.

I'm glad you know it doesn't have to feel that way. I'm still fighting with that myself.

It's not just you. You're not alone in this.

This is miserable and I wish to God you weren't in the middle of it.

Being open about this stuff can be a kind of ministry -- a way of showing, by lived example, that even the best among us, even our preachers and teachers, wrestle with these kinds of things. But that's scant comfort, I imagine -- kind of like me figuring that well, if I have to have strokes, at least I can write about 'em and show people what it's like. Better not to have the sorrow in the first place.

I believe with a perfect faith that you will get through this. That's what we do; we get through it, and we come out the other side. You'll be okay again. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I'm glad that even in the midst of the darkness, you can remember that the darkness is temporary and is unnatural. But I still wish I could remove this from your shoulders and your heart.

***
"Why write unless you praise the sacred places?" -- Richard Howard

I know how you feel. I have had emotional crashes that are all but word-for-word identical to yours. For a while, I was having what I called "emotional seizures", where all I could do was bury my face in a pillow and scream and sob.

I have lived with chronic depression for, probably, all my life, although I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 20s. I've been on three different anti-depressants (nortriptyline, Zoloft, nortriptyline again, and Prozac) over the last 20 years, because over time they do lose effectiveness; unless some miracle cure comes up, I'll be on them for the rest of my life.

Your mileage may vary.

I have found that I need therapy, in addition to drugs: the drugs help break the cycle, and the therapy gives me tools for dealing with it when the drugs don't work (my pdoc uses mostly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with me). I'm not currently seeing her, because I'm fairly stable, but it helps me to know that if I start spiraling down, I can call and get some quick help.

Again, your mileage may vary.

Your self-talk is good: you are a good person, who happens to have a chronic illness that needs to be managed, like diabetes or epilepsy.

I don't know precisely why you choose to write about it; I can tell you why I write about mine. First, as you say, there's the therapy-like aspect of talking it out. Second, I believe that if I talk about my truth, about my weaknesses, and ask for help, people who care for me will feel safe talking about theirs, and asking me for help when they need it. Third, I believe that my talking about depression raises awareness in general, and is helpful to others.

You are in my thoughts.

JanetM

1. It is not just you (!!!)
2. Information about how the drugs they've prescribed for you are working (and occasionally not working) is data, and that data is something the people doing the prescribing need to have. You don't know what's going on with this, and neither do they -- together, though, you have a much better chance of figuring it out and even improving things.

Please share the data you have with the professionals who can work with you to figure out what's going on and how best to deal with it -- and thank you for writing about the whole process, including that there's rarely a once-forever fix.

That matters, and you matter, and it's well worth the time and effort of keeping on moving forward. (/preaching)

rlp - from one who has been there, I encourage you to please call your doctor and discuss. Yes your medication may change, or it may not, but at least you will know.

I also don't know if you are seeing a therapist, but if you are, he or she should be able to give you mental exercises such as those used in cognitive-behavioral therapy that one can turn to when faced with an unexpected wave of "the old feelings." It might help.

Blessings on you and yours.

I know it has been said before preacher, but you are not alone. I know what you are going through, there are times that I feel so alone that all I do is weep by my self in my room.
I have wonderful friends and family, but there are still times that I feel down to the very bottom of my heart that I dont want to live any more. I have never acted on those feelings, but they can be amazingly powerful.
You will get through this. Everyday is a struggle, for me, and for you, and for everyone who reads this.
But even in the darkest times, I tell myself that God is with me. Sometimes I am too lost in my own pain to talk to him, but I remind myself that he is there.
He is with you too Gordon, I promise.
Take it one day at a time.
And as wierd as this may sound coming from someone who is marked as "anonymous" know that I love you for all you have helped me with in your writing & emails.
You have ministered to me in ways you will never know.

peace

Maybe the depression isn't simply a chemical issue? Rest in the knowledge that you are not the only person who experiences sudden bottom dropping out of the soul episodes. We are living in such a broken world, and we want to know all the answers, and yet we can't know all the answers. Perhaps this is where humility comes into the picture. Enlightenment is such hard work, but our hardest work in this world is feeling separated from each other and overly focused on what is wrong with ourselves. Pain is a teacher.

Just rest, Gordon.

Just sit there right now
Don't do a thing
Just rest.

For your separation from God,
From love,

Is the hardest work
In this
World.

Let me bring you trays of food
And something
That you like to
Drink.

You can use my soft words
As a cushion
For your
Head.

~ Hafiz, The Gift

You're definitely not alone in this. I can certainly relate to that sudden "oh shit, not this again" feeling as the bottom drops out of your stomach and the emotions/irrational thinking become overwhelming.

One thing I think you should know is that it's okay to feel this way. I mean, I know it's obviously not okay... it's a horrible way to feel, and I'm sorry you've been going through it. But it's okay in the sense that all the people who love you, still love you even when your brain is on the fritz. You don't have to be perfectly emotionally stable to be a good person/preacher/husband/father. These glitches feel awful, but they're temporary, and there are things you can do that might help, and no matter how hard it is to believe at the time... you WILL feel happy and normal again. I promise.

For those of us to who like to hide from everyone when we're feeling down, any kind of "reaching out" behaviour is probably a good sign. Even if it involves typing your feelings into a computer and releasing them to a bunch of anonymous people on the internet. :) So, good for you. I know it's not easy.

One thing that occurred to me while reading... it sounds like the emotional swings are coming suddenly and out of the blue, but the worries associated with them (financial, family, work, self-image, etc) sound more longstanding and consistent. Some cognitive behavioural therapy (focused on the life stressors that bite you the hardest when you're down) might help reduce the power they have over your thinking. Having someone in real life who can ground you or provide a bit of a "reality check" when your brain is malfunctioning can help too. Something to think about, particularly in the in-between phases when you're feeling better (and actually have the motivation/emotional resources to try something scary or different).

Hang in there. Don't despair. You have many people who love you, and will catch you if you fall.

I recommend the book A Soul Under Siege: Surviving Clergy Depression, by C. Welton Gaddy.

I was recently hospitalized in a psych. hosp (actually 5 times between aug-mar) and they ended up adding to my meds. Now I'm on 60 prozac and 350 effexor. They can do that. But it's bumpy and scary, and it seems very long.

you are not alone.

Dear RLP,

Please allow me to be yet another to assure: No, it is not just you.

I cannot know exactly what you're going through, but I surely can relate to what you're saying because similar down times happen to me also. God bless you; God guide you; God protect you. You are immersed in His love; you cannot escape from that love.

Gordon,

I do not believe that you are an emotional exhibitionist. I am interpreting this entry to your blog as a cry for help. And so what I write will be consistent with that. If what I write is an over reaction – so be it and ignore what I wrote. I am deciding to risk over-reacting rather than under-reacting and regretting it later.

I have so many things to say. Those of us who struggle with depression understand every word that you have written because we have lived/are living them. So, you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. However, that is not to minimize or reduce your personal feelings and fear. But you can get through this and come back okay. But, I suspect some changes need to be made.

I echo much of what has already been written. I liked the expression above, "Your mileage may vary." That is so true. I encourage you to avoid any sense that depression is a "one size fits all" box. I remember when CF was thought of as one disease. It is now recognized as a whole family of diseases - and the treatment for the different types of CF varies with the diagnosis.

I am not a health care professional, but I suspect that you may need to move to a different drug. Our society is so desirous of silver bullets for everything. We are disappointed if we cannot have one. We (you, I and all others so afflicted) do not currently have a silver bullet. So, we have to accept that we need to change our medical treatment from time to time.

I also encourage you to seek counseling. For many, treating depression with only a drug does not work in the long run. I know it costs money. But you are already further along than most in recognizing when things are suddenly not right. Really - you should be encouraged that you have the ability to recognize what is happening. A counselor should be able to give you additional tools to help get out of the hole every time that they happen. You can take the next steps.

This paragraph is upsetting to me, for I am a recipient of your gift of writing and am fed by RLP. But, here goes. Maybe the pressure of this blog is too much for you at this time in your life. I cannot imagine the pressure you must feel sometimes to get something up on your blog ... let alone something additional for your subscribers. Maybe you need to take better care of yourself and put the blog on hiatus. Are you exercising? Anyone with depression will tell you that is incredibly helpful. Do you have the time to exercise?

Money ... maybe it is time to reconsider your situation to reduce the emotional stress created by a chronic shortage of it – if that is what you are experiencing.

Diagnosis ... again, I am not a health care professional ... but are you certain of your diagnosis? I urge you to speak with a health care professional not just about your feelings of depression, but also the paranoia.

Finally, and this one really scares me for you ... but it might not be an accident that this episode occurred during Holy Week and Easter. You have written eloquently about your struggles with your faith and relationship with the Christian Church. Easter is one of the days during which the unique divinity of Christ (and by unavoidable logic ... the falseness of all other religions) is pounded home. If you, as a Christian Pastor, are struggling with the concept that it is only through Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God and our Lord and Savior, that you can have salvation and everyone else is off the boat ... well, I could see that raising some internal conflict.

I just want to reach out and hug you. Peace be with you Gordon. Take care of yourself and your family right now. While you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, the rest of your body may be telling you something.

With love,

Dave

Praying for you.
We're here for you, as much as we can be.

Dearest RLP -- I second all the urging to seek medical advice ASAP and reiterate as well the comment above that it may not be accident that this happened in Holy Week. Sometimes, I think, that some of us who are particularly vulnerable get caught up in the cosmic battle of this eternal time. Hold on. Do all things practical and human and then, hold on and know that the battle is already won. Easter has already and will happen. You are held safe in the arms of One who is mightier than any darkness. Blessings, brother, and peace, know that you are in the prayers of many.

Holly

Dear Gordon,
No, it is not just you, you are much more normal than you realise. Lots of us have learned to live through and with this emotional crash tendency.
Peace to you, and deep sleep, and new hope.
Maggi

Dear Gordon,
PLEASE find the energy to go to someone who will help you with this. Therapy is good, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is usually effective and shorter term than digging up all the past trauma and pain and reliving it. CBT takes you from where you are to where you would like to be more quickly. It may help you get over the rough spots in you medicine-driven attempts to ward off your darkness.
Find Peace.

The last time this happened to me I laid face down arms outstretched on the tile in the front hallway, just under that impressionist painting, and, nose to the cold tile, screamed, "I am going to need some help here," and variations on that theme for a good five minutes. Now, I'm on no meds whatever and doing fine. Who knows what kicks this in? Get thee to the Dr., mister. I love you.

OldPoet

My church has been going through a sermon series on depression and one sermon had a couple members talking about their experiences with it. One guy said something to the effect of 'the drugs may help, but ultimately they're just suppressing the symptoms' and I thought of your essays about it and wondered if maybe the drugs aren't enough. A lot of the material is geared more toward general sadness than actual clinical depression, but if you're interested in listening to them they're @ http://www.apexcommunity.net/?page_id=19 (April 1st has a 2 files, I think the 1st is the Saturday night service and the 2nd is just the interviews from the Sunday services).

You're not the only one. Someone once described us all as one ongoing chemical reaction -- weird things happen to us as we age, even day to day and hour to hour. And that's without meds.

I'm not diabetic, but it runs in my family. I know how out of sorts people get when they're low.

And I understand the depression side too -- about the kids, and tamping down the anger. And that no matter what we say, all any of us can really do is just watch you from the sidelines, giving it all we got: "You can DO IT!"

>You have thoughts like those, right? Sure you do. You do, don’t you?

Every single day of my 45-going-on-46-year-old life, Preach.

I'll echo the thought that maybe the depression isn't - but not that it might not be chemical.

What you've described going through sounds very similar to what my mother used to go through, and what I go through now. Mom was diagnosed originally with depressions, the meds didn't work well, and then she was recently re-diagnosed as bipolar II with hypomania. Not too long ago, I found a website by an Oregon psychiatrist advancing some ideas based on his work with people with depression and bipolar spectrum disorders, and one of the things he mentions is how depression medications tend to 'poop out' on people with bipolar II.

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/frameset.html - If nothing else, this site may give you new ways to think about what's happening in your brain and new things to bring up with your doctor.

Peace and good health to you, sir.
Renatus.

Gordon,

Thanks for all of your honesty regarding your depression. I saw a great deal of myself in your earlier posts, and if I have one of these relapses, I am sure I will look back on this post. I hope you don't quit writing at any rate. I beliieve you help many more people than you know. I will pray for you and your family.

DWL

Get thee to the doctor is good advice.

I hope it helps that readers are identifying and supportive. As someone who plunges into panicky whirling black holes holding on to some common sense advice of a psychiatrist like a mantra - 'the way out is through' - I relearn self care and self talk every time. All the support and medicine in the world won't make my brain stop burping when it decides to misfire.
I fall off the damn cliff and ruminate - 'I probably can’t write so good no more'. I write anyway, despairingly and yes, even obsessively. It helps me crawl back to the living, it's part of personal good self care.

Thank you for writing anyway.
Readers and publishers are ultimately the ones who decide whether we write good, that's a tough reality for most writers to yield to. They will always be kinder to us than we are able to be to ourselves, thank God.

Praying for you preacher.

Like the others have said...it's not just you. It does seem like an ugly monster that takes control. It feels like you are going crazy. You aren't. That part isn't you...hang in there!

I have those feelings, too. I'm on antidepressants, and I see a therapist, and generally my depression is under control. But occasionally it just comes roaring back out of nowhere. What I try to do is not panic when it happens, and remember that it will pass and the feeling will go away. I don't try to fight it, per se; I give myself lots of space from my family and try not to feel guilty about it. I tell them what's going on, both for their sake and mine. Talking honestly about what's going on helps break that endless cycle in my head. Usually I just wait until my next appointment to tell my psychiatrist or therapist, unless the episodes are increasing in frequency or duration,when calling sooner is appropriate.

Often, in retrospect, there's something that triggered the episode, no matter how trivial or irrational it seemed. The problem for me is, something can sort of push me over the edge, and then it becomes harder/impossible for me to do the cognitive behavioral things that I know work, and everything starts to spiral. Breaking the spiral is critical for me, and that's where avoiding panic and talking to others comes into play.

I'm so sorry. I know exactly what it's like.

I'm in Boston, trying to cope with an unpleasant situation while also fighting what's been a fairly sustained (and unsuccessful) battle against my latest bout of depression.

I will pray for us both.

OOps, that was me, Pascale, above.

I don't know what it's like. Never felt it, at least not anywhere near that degree. I guess I'm one of the fortunate few. But your writing about it helps me understand when it happens to others whom I love. It's hard to deal with from my side, and I'm sure it's harder to deal with on your side.

Truth and honesty add to healing, I think. And you've been so steadfastly honest about this stuff that I'm just certain it will spark some wholeness and health in you. Wow, look at the great responses on this page to encourage and support you. You did a good thing by sharing. Take the next steps, brother, and seek additional medical care while the rest of us pray for you and all others who feel such pain.

Just arrived home from meeting with a counsellor who looked me in the eyes the moment I sat down and said, you need an intervention. You have been struggling alone for far too long with too many stresses in your life and now it is time to break the cycle of depression before it gets any worse. My quietest voice agreed out loud, while my heart beat rapidly with the truth that yes, it is finally time to acknowledge that I need help to stabilize my brain chemicals. It's hard to admit as a pastor that one needs this kind of help. Thanks for being a brave enough soul to write your words and tell the rest of us that you too understand this pilgrimmage path through the wilderness.

I'm glad you've received so many kind and compassionate responses to your posting. I tried to post a response earlier, but it was lost in the ether, apparently, so let me say again what I said: I recommend a book called A Soul Under Siege: Surviving Clergy Depression, by C. Welton Gaddy.

Now, I would like to add a comment that I do not intend to be unkind. I am not a regular reader of your blog. Another blogger sent me a link to your posting, which I found to be emotionally pornographic, and raised once again for me all of the questions I have about the blogosphere and its dubious opportunities for instantaneous self-publishing. It seems to me what you need is one or two kind and wise listeners who know you well and are equipped to help you, not an audience, not a readership.

Praying here Pastor... praying for some mercy...some healin'... better meds... something... anything but this for you and your family... it plainly just sucks...

-Rick
http://www.brutallyhonest.org

Gordon, you're good guy. I understand it scaring you because it happened to me last Thursday. It's actually happened a few times of late.

The thoughts you had about writing, I had about painting and music. Financial woes can certainly build up and contribute to the pressure cooker. The battle between creativity and establishing sound financial footing is a huge one. I suspect many things come into play; kids and spouses including scary thoughts about the future. I speak only from my own experience. I wish I had a quick fix but I don't really believe that it exists. Small steps. There is hope though hard to see in the midst of the crisis.

Doesn't hurt to rule out the physical. Doesn't hurt to talk to someone who has no emotional investment. Doesn't hurt to talk to those who have an emotional investment. Well, actually, it can be really difficult but still, a good thing.

Sometimes, I think that it's like Eustace in Narnia who's become a dragon and tries to remove the scales himself only to find them growing back even harder. His only hope is to have Aslan remove them; it is an excruciating process. But, in the end, he becomes Eustace once again. That gives me hope.

My prayers are with you.
Mich

I'm one of your blog lurkers, and I have the same problem with the days like that. Thankfully, I haven't had one in a long time. One of the signals to me that it's time to review my medication is having several days like that in a short time frame with no "valid" trigger. There are times when medication just quits being effective, and it's time to change. Yes, it's a pain of monoitoring the side effects and effectiveness, but it beats the hopelessness and despair of depression any day. Take care. ~ Cynthia

you are not alone.

bless you for finding the strength to write; reading the responses here have helped me immensely, as I pray they do you.

peace.

"I'm glad you've received so many kind and compassionate responses to your posting. I tried to post a response earlier, but it was lost in the ether, apparently, so let me say again what I said: I recommend a book called A Soul Under Siege: Surviving Clergy Depression, by C. Welton Gaddy.

Now, I would like to add a comment that I do not intend to be unkind. I am not a regular reader of your blog. Another blogger sent me a link to your posting, which I found to be emotionally pornographic, and raised once again for me all of the questions I have about the blogosphere and its dubious opportunities for instantaneous self-publishing. It seems to me what you need is one or two kind and wise listeners who know you well and are equipped to help you, not an audience, not a readership."

Listen up chum.
You've put your two cents in, now go.
Deal with your own emotional pornography, okay?
You don't like instantaneous self-publishing, get off line.

You think anyone cares what you think about blogs?
Or depression?
Or audiences?
Do you think you know a damn thing about being a professional writer?
Do you!?

I didn't think so.
Well I do, so back off.
Now.

As for this writer named Real Live Preacher - you'd be half so lucky to have the family he does. And friends. And the church. And the medical people.

Go whine about emotional pornography somewhere else.
I'm angry at your sappy spiritualized self-important foolishness - this member of the dubious audience just had enough of you.

Bene D

Gordon, I'm so sorry that your depression is flaring up again. You are absolutely in my prayers.

I want you to know that I was clinically depressed for the last 2 years, but was unable to reach out for help until this January. I felt like I was just being lazy and weak, and that I needed to just "pull it together." Your postings on your struggle with depression and meds had a cumulative effect on me, eventually, along with other gradual influences in my life, building into the energy to seek help. Since January, I have been in therapy and on Wellbutrin and it has changed my life. It has *resurrected* my life. I have no words for my gratitude to you and to your bravery in sharing your journey with all of us here.

I hope that in some small way, the support and prayers and love that you're receiving here will be accumulated in your heart, and help you build the strength you need to talk to your doctor/therapist.

Re: Emotional pornography

Well. I am a regular reader of your blog, and this is not a title I would hang on you. Open (usually), honest (usually). Pornographic? No. And I have some authority to make this call because I do tend towards emotional pornography. Just ask the guy at Crispers who sells me milkshakes. Or the guy who works nights at my nearest 7-11.

Now that I've settled that, I think that we depressives, especially those of us to whom isolation is a sacrament as well as a punishment, need, really need, the words of other depressives. Doing well? We'll scan every word to see if there's a tip we haven't been told about yet. Not doing well? We'll hold our breaths as we read to the end, recognizing symptoms, appreciating good descriptions, and then offer the small but important gifts we have--that we know, we get it, and we will pray and hope for you. Support, at a comfortable distance.

kait
(who has had depressive disorder since adolescence, and woke up to a Black Crash two days after her last doctor appointment--in case you didn't know.)

Gordon,

I echo all that has been said (except the cazy porno stuff).

You are definately not alone. But you are doing the right stuff - recognising that the blackness will not be for ever is a HUGE step forward. Do see your doc - together you can figure it out.

Saying good bye to your eldest may be part of the trigger?

Take care of yourself Gordon - remember though most of us have never met you we hold you in high regard - you are a good person with an illness - we get that!!

ScoG Blog (not signed in)

My thoughts on this are a bit bias; I find comfort in the fact that I am not alone in feeling that way sometimes. To be honest, I think you may have described the idea better than I could have ever put into words, and I want to be a writer...so in my book you have accomplished a lot.
I have no advice really, I am a twenty year old college student with no expertise in anything.
What I can give you is this: I have been there and now you are not alone and neither am I. Congratulations, we are not as crazy as we thought! I have no idea how to fix it. You will probably feel that way again and so will I.
In the end, there is Jesus and that is pretty much the best comfort I have found.

Gordon..thanks for the honesty (and it is scary) Been there (many times), and am terribly afraid to let my congregation know (and I can hide it pretty well). You gave me (and all of the above, well almost all of the above) a great gift by sharing. I've never been able to put words to what happens..yours are frightingly accurate. I wish I had a magic wand to wave your pain away. But at least know what you have done for many of us...is helping. thank you thank you and blessings. Gail

I, too, struggle with depression. Reading this touches me.

You're so sweet, Gordon! I like that you shared this with your RLP family. I have experienced depression too and I think we all do to some extent. Once, my husband was unable to get up and walk around due to a very bad back pain as a result of having a herniated disc. This happened over a period of time - like almost a whole year. I just felt overwhelmed with that and trying to hold our family of 4 together. Our house has suffered much - he couldn't help us fix things. Well it was too much and I just took a lot of naps on the weekends. But recently one day I was thinking about how God says our words and our thoughts are not His words or thoughts. He is right about that. Many a time I get so worked up emotionally and I notice that when I wake up in the morning my day is pre-determined by my thoughts. So I try to think good thoughts. Today even though I am a little late to answer this thread, I wish you good thoughts and spring time sunshine. Thanks for sharing!
Sugar

My anger toward anonymous (above) doesn't need to be explained, there may be some wisdom in doing so.

I'm not interested in defending Gordon Atkinson, he can and does take care of himself just fine. I chose to speak firmly to anonymous because of the community here at this blog.

a) Anon is a newbie, he/she pops over from another blog. Okay, some slack is needed. No indication there was any attempt to read, understand; just 'here I am.'

b) Offers 'this is nice people are supporting you.' So far so good.

c) Then he/she proceeds to give RLP what reads as a self-important 'fix' with assumptions on situation and treatment that are so far off base they'd be funny if others were not involved. Of course conclusions are off base. There has been no acknowledged effort to listen, read and understand.

d) Then anon diagnoses the community with a statement about emotional pornography.
(Though it is directed at RLP, I don't believe that is about RLP at all)

It is important we understand that what was said is more about the commenter than the group of people gathering here who are willing and able to show compassion and extend compassion.
Empathy is powerful stuff.
As is the pretense of empathy.

e) Then anon pontificates about the danger of blogs, with a lovely hit and run. Blogs may well not be a good place for this person, and that needs to be taken into account, which is one reason I suggested they leave.

f) While this particular commenter did what many did in offering suggestions and help, he/she is a bit off. It doesn't require careful reading to see the comment is about anon and his/her superiority. Intentional?
Possibly not.
Still damaging though.

That shuts down vulnerability and community faster than a snowblower chews up snow. RLP is not the only place online where people can be open, vulnerable, themselves. There are hundreds of sites similar to this community blog, each one very unique. Each site has people wandering through offering quick fixes, and deciding boundaries is difficult for participants.
This is a great place, all kinds of people at various levels of maturity and experience helping each other, 99.9 percent cherish that.

Is anger useful? It would be better if I had wit, but I don't. Whether anon intended to be abusive or foolish is secondary to reality.

Is there a healthier way to talk to this anon? Probably, but other than calling them out I don't know what it is.
I'm not a blog cop, not a minister.

So many people have found grace, help and safety here.

There is an excellent piece on leadership and how damaged(narcissistic) leaders wreck havoc. It addresses the courage and understanding a community of believers need. While it is about bricks and mortar communities, you all are just as real, just as precious and just as important. Go under the mercy.

http://www.pbygrandcanyon.org/pdfs/exec_pres_report/epr_sept02.pdf

Bene D

Thank you for your honesty, Gordon. You have the courage to be real, and that is a rare gift in this plastic world. If I lived closer, I would come to your church. There is a hunger for authenticity in our society today, and you can't fake it. You are the real deal, and I love you.

Like almost everyone else said, "Thanks for being honest", "Hang in there", and "I'm praying for you."

But I am especially grateful to discover that I am not the only preacher that suffers from depression--I thought there was something wrong with me (well, of course there is but you know what I mean.)

You encourage me to understand that I didn't misunderstand when I heard God's call. My therapist--a wonderful half-Jewish, half-Irish Catholic, all agnostic person--keeps telling me things like that but it helps to hear it from a Real Live Preacher.

Blessings and thank you.

Been there. I have so been there, and said and thought all those things. You're not alone.

I too hit the max dosage on my antidepressant and had nowhere else to turn. Finally I found Aikido, which controls the depression better than any drug ever did. I hope you find something too.

Whatever else, it's not because you're weak. It's not because you're not trying hard enough.

Your honesty is touching many lives, including mine. Bless you.

Amazing how you can put into words something that is so abstract. I know exactly every detail you mention and you explain it so well. Do you also feel, when you're depressed, that this is real and when you are "happy" that's false? When people tell me "you'll get over this", I feel like they don't know that this is the real me.

Zura
http://creativeclown.com

Hi Gordon,

You are not alone in this. I have also personally experienced clinical depression for many years and only had the courage to admit that I AM SICK a week ago. Now I am currently under medication. I have the same EXACTLY feelings that you have shared and it seems that you have written about my life. Everything seems so sureal! I am attaching one of those that I wrote when I had the sanity in my mind to document down my emotions and what I thought of my situation. Here goes....

---------------------------BEGIN-----------------------------------
At the beginning, when it all happened…

Funny thing, I can’t remember or maybe in actual fact I can’t feel how it all started. With this writing, I am going to try to document how everything spiraled out of control and possibly documenting my emotions as well as to modularize the symptoms to give a clearer layman insight.

It’s difficult to discuss issues related to depression, let alone talk about it to people whom we are closed to. So writing them down will be a better alternative as part of the recovery therapy.

Part 1: Talking is difficult
One bizarre truth, for a depressed person, it is generally more difficult to relate the experience of depression to someone whom we share such close knitted relationship with. We fear being judged or that this person that we respect much, love much or known us so well will look at us differently, treat us like an ill child.

Most time, when they do their ‘best’ to help us to move out of depression which is undeniable an action of love and that it also hurts them to see us suffer, but instead of helping, it escalates the problem further. I know that this sounds so selfish and ungrateful but speaking from experience, this is the truth.

This the very reason why we tend to put on a mask when dealing with people we love so much, so that it won’t hurt them so much to see us hurt that they will not hurt us further with their relentless care.

In many other ways, it is also a guilt thing, it’s like we feel that we are burdening the people around us with our problems and the question of our inability to tackle the problem further fuel the guilt feeling. So we choose to just cocoon everything up inside us, the lesser we burden others, we hope to lessen the burden of guilt on ourselves.

Part 2: Causes of My Depression
Back to the statement of ‘when it all happened…’, it took me quite a long time to understand why and how did I managed to get myself into such situation. Was it stress that caused everything to spiral out of control? Or was it pressure in life, studies, family, friends, etc? Or was I just born crazy but never knew it until it came out? Or was it because of family history?

If we read on the causes of depression, many times it is mentioned that post traumatic events or post natal experience or something that is just traumatic event are the stressors of depression. But for myself, I never experienced any of such, for starters my life is pretty calm and the obvious is that I am not married, let alone have children (I know what people may think, we do not have to get married to be pregnant, well depressed or not I am, the rationality on random sex never departed me).

So again what caused me to be depressed?

Now I know that, it may be my character or behavior and also partially on the way I approach life. Perfectionist and independent by nature, I always tend to beat myself up badly, I don’t mean physically, then I am not depressed anymore but just plain psycho! Its more of mental beating, being too hard on myself whenever I make any mistakes or when I am unable to perform or when my ‘competitors’ get ahead of me. Sounds crazy huh? The implication of personal expectations on a person’s mental health is more severe than expectations from others which we can chose to ignore but when it’s an internal going, like it or not, it has to be heard, loud and clear. And the consequence, free jump off the cliff of sanity into an ocean of insanity and depression.

Not much is mentioned about depression suffered by healthy and un-traumatized people. What are the causes? What are the triggers? That is why the depressed ‘healthy’ people don’t get the right treatment simply because when we read on depression, we know we have the symptoms but not the trigger points. It just makes us feel crazier and sure helped by making us feel even more depressed about being depressed in the first place.

Part 4: Lack of Understanding of This Illness
Also, not many people are aware of this illness called depression. Especially the ones that we love, they never understood the illness themselves, usually they will just tell you to just snap out of it. I would rather they snap my neck, at least that will end the pain inside me and I do not have to face another day of gloom.

Part 5: The Effect of Memory Loss
Being a sufferer for close to 7 years, the beginning tends to be very foggy, can’t remember much but that is like 7 years ago. I can’t even remember things that happened like 7 days ago. Ah, memory loss, another big component of depression, my favorite symptom. This one sounds even crazier, even more unacceptable.

Then, the next is the effect of literally losing ourselves in the midst of craziness. The losing of self, what ever that means. Seriously even I could not fully comprehend the meaning. Lost of identity is definitely one, it’s like someone that is suffering from a bad blow on the head and this person just can’t remember who she was. IT FELT EXACTLY like that.

Basically, depression equals being completely lost. Either being lost in a dungeon of darkness, lost in thick forest of darkness. Whatever we want to put it, the simple truth is that we have lost ourselves. Depression is also confusion, for a depressed person, the mind becomes the greatest enemy and the mind becomes Satan’s favorite playground.

I personally find memory loss an interesting topic in the context of depression. Having personally experienced the vicious cycle of it, this is as real as it can get. The inability to remember, it resembles so much to amnesia. But I asked before, how can this be? I have never been in an accident, I have never hit my head hard on anything, never had my head whacked by anything hard. So what has led to memory loss? How can this be? There is however one side effect to memory loss, the inability to think and process thoughts began to grow stronger. Eventually the mind becomes blank, empty and hollow. It feels like a shell with no more life inside. It’s like the essence has left the shell. At the onset of memory loss, I thought it was just in passing but as time began to pass, the longer time extends, the issue got more severe. But is there such a thing in depression? Memory loss, inability to think, all these are they possible? I mean depression equals sadness, yeah I can accept but memory loss? How much truth is in that?

The mind is like a computer, taking the inputs in but not processing anything, it feels like the processor has broken down. So the things that I read just look like words with no meaning or feeling of meaning. The mind does not store. The mind does not do anything, it’s like brain dead.

Also, life becomes one big piece of white empty paper with no direction, no purpose, no goal, nothing.