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Shalom RLP, Shalom.
God bless you.

My own theory about posting something to the internet is that once you press publish, send, or whatever the button says, you should leave it up. Editing it for typos is cool, but, just like in 'real life,' you can't unsay something. If you remove it, it's still out there. If, goodness forbid, you *edit* it for content, now both versions are out there. Gotta love caching.

If you later decide that you shouldn't have said something, then you should do... pretty much what you did. Or apologize, if that's appropriate. Or if you made a mistake, post that (you can edit the original with something like "(EDIT: This is wrong. See next entry.") ), but people who saw the original might wonder why it's not there, and people who see references to the original will wonder what's up, and... well, you get the idea. :)

As for the rest, well, maybe you should have said that to the people in your life... but then, you did. :) And glad you're able to move on.

Always love reading what you write. Hope more is coming soon!

3 Days

While I understand your regret, I'm glad you posted it. It gives me insight into someone that I love. I think that you two are very similar. Thank you. I pray that you are able to move on quickly and that all is well.

This may sound simple and I know it's not, but just give it all up to God. You cannot control everything all by yourself. You cannot handle everything by yourself. None of us are able to. Even though the medication may help at times, maybe YOU are, in a way, controlling the situation when taking the medication by thinking that the medication alone will do the trick. Maybe you're only relying on God some of the time rather than all of the time. Maybe these scarey, miserable moments that you're going through are the perfect opportunity thrown in your face to believe and rely on God TOTALLY. Maybe when everything is going well, you don't rely on him any longer and you put yourself there to take it all and then eventually you fall under the weight. Have you ever given ALL of your problems, worries and fears over to him? Have you REALLY DONE THAT? Or has it just been SOME PARTS that you were willing to let go of? Have you told God "Here is all of it! I can't deal with it. I can't do it anymore. Please hold these things for me and carry them for me. Please carry ME as I cannot walk this path alone anymore." And let him carry the burden for you. Or, have you just asked him nicely to help you through it? I think there's a difference between asking him for help verses giving yourself all up to him. Do that and don't doubt his ability to take it all on for you. DON'T DOUBT HIM.

Let me just add that I know I need to do this as well in all areas of my life and it's hard, but maybe you're at a different stage of the race than I am and maybe your time to totally give everything (your whole self - problems, insecurities, fears and all) up to God is NOW. What a relief that would be for you.

God be with you Gordon and I know he is. Maybe he's just waiting for you to lean on him. I know he loves you tremendously and hates to see you in this pain even more than all of your readers, friends and family members do.

We all love you and we're all praying for you.

Preacher:

When your gut feeling is telling you something -- that uncomfortable feeling -- and you already know you're vulnerable, you can always put the essay aside for a couple of days before making a definitive decision.

I suffer from depression like you, and have found it works better for me to hit the brakes when I'm feeling that way and not do whatever seems to be driving me at the time I'm feeling so bad.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing at all (or write about it in a private diary or journal).

Many fewer regrets.

May the peace and healing of the Risen Lord be yours!

Please don't regret your previous post. You know that you really do help people by writing about real life -- your life. There are so many of us that recognize ourselves, our own experiences, in your accounts of battling through the thoes and woes of depression. And when we recognize, we relax and find a sense of assurance ... that we are not alone ... and sense that, like you, we will live to feel better again.

Major depression (and bi-polar despression) is a physiologically-based illness -- it has a strong genetic bias. As with many physiological illnesses, it can be helped/managed both pharmaceutically and through counseling -- and treatment will require periodic/ongoing adjustment. My two cents is to regard your experience as a condition/illness to be managed rather than a condition/illness to be cured -- not unlike hypoglycemia or diabetes. We can manage to live well -- even with the condition of depression.

Oh, and even though you just whipped-off the post, it was written and communicated so well. I'm guessing that your family can now better understand why writing about it "aloud" works so much better than speaking about it aloud. Thank you.

Dear RLP,
I have been reading your blog almost since its inception. As a counselor, now retired, I encourage you to find a professional counselor specialized in treating depression. A combination of therapy and medication may help you. Lauren's remarks are right on target. Depression is an illness to be managed.

Sharing your experience by writing about it is very helpful to others who experience similar feelings. Peace, Dona

I can understand regretting posting something like that after the fact. But on a selfish level, I'm glad you did. I was having a very dark day yesterday with my own depression, and reading your piece was something I needed, just when I needed it most. Sometimes it's hard not to feel, on the (thankfully rare) days when it rises up and drags me under, like I'm the only one who knows what it's like. And so reading your words was like finding a hand held out to me in the dark--somehow it seems better to know there's someone else here.

So thank you. ~alsafi

You and Jeanene and the sisters are in my thoughts and prayers as you work through this latest bump in the road in your life together. I pray you find peace and the answers and new tools that you'll need.

~Aych

Preach:

This might be overly simplistic; but it seems to me that way too many "bad things" happen in my life around Advent and through Lent. Could be true and could be that I'm more focused then than other times. I've chosen to believe the former and that "He who would cause us to doubt" works extra hard during those times.

Not sure know what I meant to accomplish by that comment, I guess I thought you might find some solace in it. When I go through my Advent or Lenten "funk" if I can remember that concept it makes it a little easier for me to get through the day.

Pax

RLP,

While I understand your regrets, I am thankful for the post. You see, I've been through much the same thing in the past week myself, even on Easter Sunday. I thought I was losing it again, maybe this time for good, and I wondered if I were the only person with depression who had such relapses. I know now it's not true.

As so many have told you, you're not alone. I read your work often, but seldom post, as many say what I would have said, and much better than I. Know that there's a single dad in the nether region between West Texas and the Metroplex who's praying for you.

Don C.

Don C.

I understand and respect the regret, but I'm still selfishly glad you posted what you did. Your writing always teaches me something... makes me think... deepens my understanding... pulls my heart in new directions... makes me feel less alone in my confusion and doubt. Thank you for that.

Peace.

Last evening Keith and I sat in the Old King Cole Lounge of the St. Regis Hotel on Fifth Avenue in beautiful midtown Manhattan and drank a toast to you, Gordon. Keith, with his Bombay Sapphire Martini and I with my Makers Mark Manhattan. The fabulousness of the moment certainly helped us move forward.

Blessings on you and yours. not much else need be said.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Regrets are a waste of time. They are your past crippling you in the present. Writing is therapeutic not to mention Cathartic. Life comes and goes and we have up days and down days. The gift of depression is learning how to wade through all of them sanely.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Jeez, is Job visiting you or maybe Jeremiah!! Time for some Kierkegaard and a little "Fear and Trembling!"

You know we love you Preacher man.

Keep writing.

Jeremy

also woke at 3:00 on Easter like it was Good Friday. With three services ahead of me, I didn't think it would happen. It did. Because, it always does. I fear the day that it won't.

orangeblossoms

I usually just lurk on this blog, since the group seems so jelled, but this one I couldn't resist.

One thing I love about your blog is how out there on your sleeve your are. You talk about your family and your job and your faith and your doubts without apparent fear. This is the mark of a good writer -- indeed, in my view, the essential attribute of a good writer is a reckless willingness to expose oneself.

This is also an attractive attribute in a human being. We spend so much time hiding. That's why we all feel so inferior -- maybe our kids are the only ones trying drugs (or sex or alcohol) or taking anxiety medication. Maybe we're the only ones who don't get the bed made every morning or who've written a bad check. Maybe I'm the only person at mass who isn't sure and who's afraid to die. We need to hear from each other, because, when we do, we are less lonely and less afraid of what we are. So you bless us when you share with us.

Life at this moment, in this world, is very stressful. Everyone is experiencing it. The things you "daydream" about -- money, time, children -- they're reason enough to have dark days. Add chemistry to the increasing stress, and you have depression. It comes and goes; sometimes, it comes and stays. Sounds like, for all your feeling that it is a sign of some sort of failure, you have learned to ride it out. Sleep, alone-ness, daydreaming -- these are good coping mechanisms. More lessons for the rest of us.

Thank you for sharing.

It's good that you posted it. Much of your ministry seems to be giving voice to hidden things. It takes a huge amount of bravery to be that honest -- a gift well used.

I've not comment on your blog before -- stumbled across it a year or two ago, and have enjoyed reading it ever since. I hope the difficult time passes swiftly.

Kimberly

RLP,

Listen, I think I understand why you might regret your post. But really, it was a gift. I read it, sighed with relief, and sent a copy to my partner. We had had this long conversation over Easter weekend about how depression works, how when it hits I can't just turn it off, how I don't invite it or "let" it happen.

She said thank you.
She said it helped her understand.

I am so grateful that you tell it like it is.

--raj

Depression is an illness, although I think it's better not to struggle against it, but rather, to accept the reality of it and take every step you can to treat it. It's not an overnight thing, and please please please do not judge yourself or beat yourself over the head for being depressed OR for your post yesterday. It took a great deal of humility to press the submit button... just don't choose to dwell in the wound. Learn what you can from the experience.

~ SJP

I appreciate your honesty. Write what you damn well choose on here.

- amy

Dont worry preacher. I know you feel uncomfortable, but I think that it was good for you to get that out. There is no judgement from me or any of your readers who care for you, which I would wager to say is most of us. You are in my prayers.

RLP,
As a future preacher/minister type, I can't thank you enough for your blog. Unlike much of the blogosphere, I do not sense an agenda here. The honesty and forthright approach is refreshing, even at its darkest. I was reading Martin Luther's commentary on Galatians last week and had an insight that helped me through Holy Week, which has thrown me into the 'outer darkness' on more than a few occasions. I had a sense that what Jesus (by way of Luther) meant when he says "I have come to bring Life" is that we, as Christians, are given some way of facing directly all that life brings to us without regret, remorse or apology, just as the cross lands directly in the middle of death, destruction and despair. Part of that, I think, means experiencing that deep despair, which in no way denies the fact that we may need help having faced it. That is what I get for going to a Lutheran seminary...Regardless, I appreciated your posting on depression and despair, and I appreciated your 'apology'. Both reflect honesty, trust and a hope in community that is sorely lacking in the world today.
Peace to you.
Seth

Gordon
I dunno if you are up to reading all these comments, so I recognise this may get buried here.

Following your explanation of the My House essay - it is as though you left the front door open for a little while, and people could see into the messy warehouse. Then you realised it was open... and wanted to slam it shut again. Your courage allowed you to leave it open for that period of time.

Maybe that is part of the journey you are on at the moment - needing a little air into the warehouse area - just a little.

Pray you find solace in your writing room for a while, to settle the frightening feelings.

Janet McKinney

You know that doubt about your decisions is another symptom of the depression, right? I think it is another way for a brain to say "help!" When your brain feels better, I bet it will tell you that it was/is okay either way it played out. But you sure did help an awful lot of other people, helped us find each other in a way.

Oh God, let this next part not sound insipid or downright stupid. Did you remember that this is national poetry month? Poetry is an absolute consolation for me. I've been reading a bunch of Franz Wright lately. Dark enough to satisfy the depression, hope enough to fatten me like a tick for at least an evening.

love and prayers,
e.p.kait

wow, yeah, depression is tough. I can understand some of what you said on the last post. Especially around holidays and family get-togethers, it spikes itself up even more. It's better that you explain these feelings to people you are closest to, since they are the ones who worry about you the most. I've explained some of them to my parents and after I had that talk about the way I feel, they didn't seemed ashamed or angry, but just glad I got up and said something. I think it lightened the load a little, at least for me.

I just read this post and the original, and I thought you were writing to me.

I've dealt with depression for years. I started Cymbalta about 7 months ago and increased the dosage about 3 months ago.

I think I'm still ahead of where I was before I took the drug, but I still have the occasional "mini mood swing." In a matter of seconds, I can go from a pretty good mood to feeling completely overwhelmed and fatigued.

Some days it's more than I can control.

2 weeks ago, I did something much like what you described. I was on the phone with a friend, and he wouldn't accept that I needed to stop talking... and I snapped at him. I got my alone time and almost lost a friend.

Seconds later I was better and I called back and apologized.

It's almost like pressure building up on a fault line. Nobody knows when the quake is coming, but once it comes, it's all over in a few seconds.

newsmark

Pascale's Wager

Hanging in with you...

Wow...
I haven't been on here in a few weeks, as I've been busy moving and being without internet for a piece. Just catching up...
When I read your "final" blog on depression awhile back, I wondered...were my husband as active on here as I am, he might have commented on the effectiveness of antidepressants...but he isn't, and I didn't.
I'm glad you blogged in your difficult, perplexing time...
My husband has gone through everything that you describe, and two years ago, after much research and sheer determination, removed himself from all medications and began the slow (but ultimately much more effective) process of seeking natural alternatives. Today, he is much better than he was, though admittedly the healing continues.
As many others on here have mentioned, ultimately the drugs lose effectiveness, and in my husband's case, he found that they actually caused new problems that he didn't have before he went on them.
I believe that our bodies are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and have great healing abilities when properly supported by natural things (which God also made).
I feel as though I am going out on a limb here, and there are those that will ridicule my opinion on this matter. But, I live with my husband, and I've seen both ends of the spectrum.
Your honest blogs have encouraged me in voicing what may be an unpopular stance...I have a myspace profile with a link to my husband's space (he is in my top friends - "Joe"). He's not too active on there, but he does talk a bit about what he's been through. And he is very adamant in his declaration that the drugs, in the long term, do more harm than good...they do not heal you; they only make you dependent upon them.
Bless you for being here, and I hope that today finds you well, dear brother!

http://www.myspace.com/ashvajenny

Gordon,

I read both this post and the referenced post through. I can relate, although i have been fortunate enough to not require medication. I don't know, there are two schools of thought to this whole depression thing. Some believe medication is absolutely necessary, while others believe that medication can at times only mask the real issues, and that the mask gets larger and thicker with time, requiring more and different medications as you move through life.

I think for some, medication is necessary. I don't know what is going on with you, but I can admit openly that I, too, have had the bottom drop out on me in the space of minutes. It is scary, but more than that, it feeds itself, and sometimes, you just want to feel it. You do nothing to end it, you roll with it and feel sorry for yourself and get angry.

It never lasts long, usually the next morning is completely different. I can't explain that. But I do know enough about this to know that talking or writing about it is one of the best things you can do; it's the right decision.

Heck, it could just be something you ate, made up of chemicals that interacted with the other chemicals going in to your body. It could be something you ate a week ago. It could be anything.

One thing; if you have insurance, possibly see a medical doctor, if this is freaking you out a bit. Major mood swings that aren't normal, aren't normal. Get it? It could be simple, but if there is a reason, it might be diagnosed and fixed. At the very least, seeing a doctor might relieve some stress. If your doc is good, it's always therapeutic just to talk with him or her. They may not know, but they have this way of making you believe that they do, and attitude towards a thing is half the battle.

Good luck.

G,

Hey, thanks for being real. I can't see any reason to regret what you published. It encouraged me. We all struggle with our "demons" whether they be depression, narcissism, doubt, arrogance - you name it. I like what Larry Crabb says that God often intentionally leaves us "broken" as a constant reminder of our need.

I am sorry you feel regretful but am thankful that you did post. My "holy week" seemed to parallel yours and, though I hate others suffer this, too, it was almost a relief to see someone else's experience in writing. Thank you, thank you.

Don't apologize, don't regret. I'm not a doctor, but from what you've written in the past it sounds like you have a medical condition that affects your mood--and that it's helped by medication. I don't think the timing of your latest "episode" is accidental. Christmas and Easter are at least a little bit difficult and trying for many of us who work in churches. I know it's true because pastors tell me so ;) I always have the nagging thought "This is a joyful holiday for the people in the pews, and it's supposed to be the same for me. But in reality it's a bunch of extra work and stress. How unfair!" I try to do my work with the same sense of privilege I do at any other time, but it requires some extra effort to get into that mindset.

So the same modest grumpiness that's created in me by the busy work schedule and heightened expectations might just be a lot more pronounced and painful for you, because of your brain chemistry. Just a thought.

As one who has also struggled with depression, I'd also love to edit out those "down" days. You wrote something once that really stuck with me. I think it could apply here. (not to throw your own words in your face, that's not my intention.)

“as it turns out, God is in all rooms of the house and I am learning to be comfortable with that.”
-Reallivepreacher.com

Those thoughts and feelings exist as much as we would like to forget about them. To deny them, would be to deny part of yourself. There are some people who need to hear that part more than they need to hear about the happy times.

that previous comment was me, forgot to log in.....

I have read your blog for a year and a half and you have no idea how much it means to me to look forward to your new postings And as much as I love your theological posts and funny ones and your stories, what goes right to the core of me and makes me thank God for your need to post is when you right about your struggle with depression. Too few Christians will be honest about the blackness of real depression and since I have been fighting it for the past several years with varying degrees of success, I consider finding your blog a literal god-send. I am most grateful for your previous unedited posting. Please know that though we are strangers- you are in my thoughts, as is your family. -vjrs-

Something just occurred to me, dunno if you're still reading comments to this one, but anyway: The preacher role is like the counselor role in some ways, I think, and I've heard tell that most counselors need shrinks themselves. Not just in the "ha ha isn't it funny how all the fucked up folks are psych majors" way, but just because supporting a lot of other people puts a lot of weight on you.

So I think regular counseling is a good idea, if it's acceptable to you and your family. You certainly wouldn't be the first healer type to go there.

So this is how my daughter feels?! Thank you for the post that has opened my eyes to an area of my child's life that I have tried to understand. I can hold her and empathize all day but never know how depression feels to her. She is also on meds that help her cope and keep her functioning when the "bad days" hit. Your writings are like your blog name - Real. Thank you.