Or: "Life Inside My Head"
A few years ago in the
office of doctor M. Jones - San Antonio
“It’s a simple test, really. It’s the one we
often give to children and adolescents. It measures your ability to stay focused
and on task.”
I nodded and he went on.
“It’s pretty gosh-awful boring, but that’s the
point, right? Okay, you will either see or hear a number 1 or a number 2. You’ll
either see it on the computer screen or hear it. When you see or hear the number
1, push the number one on the keyboard. If you see or hear 2, hit the 2 key. Got
it?”
“Yep, easy enough.”
“You need to concentrate hard and don’t wait to
hit the key. Hit it as fast as you can because the program is measuring, among
other things, how long it takes you to respond. It’s not just about hitting the
right key.”
“Okay.”
The program started and a number one appeared
on the screen. I hit number one on the keyboard. Then another one appeared and I
hit it again. Then I heard a voice say, “two.” I punched number two on the
keyboard.
One, One, Two, One, Two, One, Two Two Two…
This really isn’t fair because [One] I’m
an adult and I can simply override whatever impulse [Two] I have to daydream
or let my mind drift. I mean, it's not like I'm a kid anymore or anything.
[Two] It’s only like what, 20 minutes? I can [One] just force myself to pay
attention.
At this point I had not missed a single number
and was pretty proud of myself.
One, Two, Two, One, Two, One, One…
This isn’t going to do any good. I’m
hitting them [Two] perfectly. Bam, bam, bam. What good is this? I need [Two]
a test for adults. I’m going to look like a person with a perfect [One]
attention span and I’m not that. [Two] Oh, this is boring as hell. [One] I
mean, I can do it no problem, but damn. I think I’m getting a headache.
[One] Yeah, there it is, that little pain. I wonder if [One] concentrating
like this is going to make it worse. [Two] Hmm, so far there has never been
more than three of the same in a row. [One] I bet they won’t do four in a
row, but if it was really random [Two] there would eventually be four in a
row, right?
I rolled my head around and felt a little
clicking in my neck. I tend to think that will help headaches but it never does.
Two, Two, One, One, One, Two, One…
What a completely boring and awful
voice. They [2] should have gotten a computer voice [2] like Stephen Hawking
or something. [1] But whatever. Fine. Oh, my head is killing me and this [2]
chair hurts. Stop it! Pay attention! You haven’t missed any yet, but [1] you
will if you aren’t careful. Totally concentrate. Let’s knock the hell out of
this test.
One, One, Two, Two, One, Two, One, One…
Try repeating each one out loud in your
head when you [Two] hit the key. That will work. That will keep you focused.
Have to be focused to [One] do that.
2 – “Two!”
1 – “One!”
1 – “One!”
R-A-M-A-D-A-I-N-N (boom boom), Ramada
Inn. [2] Oh man, I haven’t thought of that [1] in years. That flashing neon
sign when I was a kid [1] in the car coming home from church on Sunday
nights. [2] I used to spell it out as many [1] times as I could before the
light changed.
R-A-M-A-D-A-I-N-N (boom boom), Ramada
Inn - say it again now [2] R-A-M-A-D-A-I-N-N (boom boom), Ramada Inn.
Oh crap I think I missed one. You stupid
idiot. This [2] is a kid’s test. Ah, one won’t matter [1] or anything.
People always miss one [2] or two. [1]. Just stay focused. You're fine. How
long has it been? Why [2] doesn’t he have the clock showing [2] on the
computer? How hard would that be just so I could know how much longer? I
wonder if I’m halfway done yet.
***
After twenty minutes I finished and sank
back into the chair, exhausted.
“You okay?"
“Yeah, I started getting a headache or
something. I mean, I stayed with it but the headache might have slowed me down a
little. But it’s nothing. Never mind.”
The printer spit out my results, and he looked closely
at the paper. I sat forward. I always want to do well on a test, no matter what
kind of test it is. I watched his eyes going back and forth like the head on the
old dot matrix printers. Back and forth.
He looked up at me.
“So, how did I do? What does it say about me?”
He shook his head and blew air out of his
mouth.
I knew it. I’m so good at this that I’m
going to have to explain to him that I really really do think I have a
concentration problem. It’s just that I’m an adult, and I can make myself do
things. So whatever high score I got shouldn’t count because shouldn’t we do
this in a normal life situation?
“Okay, how can I say this? If you were a
seven-year-old boy, I would be trying to think of a nice way to tell your
parents that you will probably never learn to read.”
rlp
